Monday, January 16, 2012


I can’t tell if this is a gross thing or not, but I haven’t used a toenail clipper in 10 years – at least. Well, that’s not true; I’ve used one to cut thread. As I previously mentioned in another post, I used to split the ass of my pants quite often and I’d use nail clippers as scissors to cut the thread after I sewed up my pants. To be honest, I’ve used my nail clippers for other things, too. I definitely have memories of clipping my nose hair with them. Believe me, that’s a scary endeavor. It has taken some practice to not pinch/cut my nose. You might think that’s gross, but like I said, I don’t use it to cut my nails. In reality, my nail clipper is just an oddly shaped, small pair of scissors. Don’t agree? Well, you’re just a snob. I’ve thought of using a lighter to burn my nose hairs, but I feel like that won’t work. Really though, I think about doing that all the time. Light the lighter and slowly bring it to my nose and wait for the smell of burning hair. If I smell burning flesh, I’ll know I held it there too long or missed and burned my cheek.

Back to my point, I haven’t used a nail clipper on my nails in a long time. I generally just rip them off. I mess with them until I create a little notch and I, with the touch of a brain surgeon, remove the nail. This works with my fingernails but not so well with my toenails. I’m not flexible enough to see my toenails; consequently, I just have to guess that I’m doing a good job. Where I am a surgeon with my fingernails, I am more of a drunken hobo with my toenails. The extraction almost always goes awry. It usually ends with some wincing and some blood. In fact, I pulled off my entire little toenail the other day. As I write this, I have no little toenail and my right foot. Surprisingly, I didn’t hurt pulling it off and hasn’t ever hurt. I run 3 miles every other day and nothing. What I take from this whole thing is that I don’t need a little toenail.

Here is what my toe looks like without a toenail: