Well, My Mom and Wife Will Like It (Part 3)

I slept well that night knowing that I had made it through several layers of my web of lies. Isn’t it funny how a huge ball of lies like this actually turned into a good thing? I mean, there is no way this could have been bad. If she would have found out, it’s not like she would have been mad at me. This makes me wonder, how does one teach a kid about lies? “Don’t lie – unless, you are creating a web of lies as a means to propose to your girlfriend. Also, you can lie if mommy asks if her haircut looks good.”

I had almost made it through the layer, but there was one big hurdle remaining: I hadn’t bought a ring. So, literally, as I am driving back from Austin, I’m going straight to Tiffany’s to buy the ring (don’t go crazy – remember, I am a teacher!). I planned on using all of the money that I made coaching summer league to buy the ring. All of the school days teaching from 7:30-2:30 and coaching from 3:30-7:30 and those summer mornings waking up at 5:00 a.m. would all go in to a circular piece of metal with some diamonds on it. It was worth it though.

On the way back, she expressed over the phone her annoyance that I wasn’t packing yet. The anger was mounting in her. I made it to Houston around 3:00 p.m. and went directly to the store. I bought the ring with minimal problems. The only real problem was my debit card wouldn’t allow me to take out more than $500 a day. The ring was a little more than that, and it looked like the lady behind the counter was used to commoners like me. Before I could start to panic, she handed me the phone and told me this was a regular occurrence. I got the bank to lift the max withdrawal and just like that, POOF! My bank account was left with $13.67.

Everything had worked out perfectly. I went over to her apartment and hid the ring. She would be home within the hour and I had to come up with an excuse to be there. I told her I was going to go to Mark’s house to hang out, and I had to wait there for him to get off work. This really, really pissed her off. She yelled at me on the way home! This made me laugh in my head because I knew she’d regret it later (not to rub it in her face J). She just about had it with me. I asked myself, Uh, is this worth it? She probably hates me right now.

The last part of my proposal was to have it hidden within a crossword puzzle. At that point in our lives, we worked crossword puzzles every night. It was our thing. I waited in bed for her to come home (she was planning on going to the movies with a friend (holla, Stef!) and could only be there for a minute or two).

She walked in already annoyed and saw me lying on the bed working a crossword puzzle. This further irritated her. I asked her for help on one, and she just said, “Why are you doing it without me?” She was VERY uninterested in helping me. I had to cajole her, and she finally sat down next to me. It took her a few minutes, but she found it out. Here is the actual puzzle; I DID make it kind of hard.

I proposed and she accepted. It was joy and happiness and tears. We made it through the thick and thin and were going to be together forever. The last lie came after that. She asked if I asked her sister for her approval. I said I didn’t. This disappointed her, but what could she do? She called PJ to tell her the good news, and PJ said she already knew; I was there last night! This was probably a bigger shocker than the proposal. Everything came together in wife’s head and she realized what really went on. Victory was finally mine!

P.S. I wanted to finish the puzzle, but she won't let me. She framed it and for some reason hung it up in the bathroom. Believe me, it's taunts me daily. Finish me! Finish me!

Well, My Mom and Wife Will Like It (Part 2)

I'm posting quickly so people won't think the worst of me. For this to make sense, you'd need to read the first post.

Part 2

Well, actually, I didn’t go out with Mark. I went to bed early because I had a 2 ½ hour drive to Austin the next morning. My wife’s sister (we’ll call her PJ) lives there with her husband (fiancé (we’ll call him CJ), at the time). CJ and I had already talked extensively about this. He knew I was coming well ahead of time. He even, quite sneakily I might add, was able to keep it from PJ. She had no idea I was coming and Wife didn’t know I was going. It was the perfect crime. 

On the way to Austin, I let CJ know my every move. He knew exactly where I was at all times. When I got close, he found a way to keep PJ in the house. She wanted to go to the gym (like the good little gym rat she is), but he managed to stall her. “Let’s finish watching CSI: Miami” and, “I need to potty.” He found a way – God bless him, he found a way. 

I showed up in Austin and knocked on their door. PJ answered and was shocked to see me. I’m not sure her first instinct was to assume I was there to ask for her sister’s hand in marriage. She asked, “What are you in town for?” I popped the prerequisite question: “I’m here to ask you if it’s okay for me to marry your sister.” Not really a question I suppose. She said, yes, and we rejoiced, tears, etc. In fact, we went to a local bar in the area to celebrate and played bar trivia. We won! Don’t ever doubt my knowledge of The Simpsons and Seinfeld! Conan O’Brien wrote the Monorail episode and the lady that fired George Costanza from the bra company was his girlfriend (different character) in the episode where Elaine is taking an art class. I was on summer break; I was watching TV for 10 hours a day.  I was two for two that night.

That night was pretty scary because wife wanted to come over to work on her computer, which I borrowed for summer league. The jig was almost up! If she went to my apartment, she would probably spend the night. I told her that I went out with Mark again (by the way, she was getting pissed about that – something about packing), and if I didn’t come home that night when she was expecting me, I’d be in for a serious world of hurt. Luckily, the Fates destined for this to work out and she didn't come over. 

Part 3 -- coming soon!

Well, My Mom and Wife Will Like It (Part I)

This is the story of how I proposed to my wife. I’m going to break this into parts because it’s complicated. I know that sounds cliché, but it really is complicated. My wife, girlfriend at the time, and I went through tough times like I imagine most couples do – especially when they are in their early twenties. Neither of us were mature enough to maintain a real partnership. Through the trials and tribulations, we made it through 5-6 years together (it’s hard to tell these days), and we knew we were going to get married. You know when you watch TV shows and some guy is stressing out over whether or not his love interest is going to say yes when he pops the question? We all know there is no reality to that. If you’ve been with someone long enough to get married, you basically plan out your future together and the proposal is a formality. We were those people.

She knew I was going to propose sooner or later, and actually, we had it planned out enough where when my lease was up, I’d move in with her. Her caveat was that we’d have to be engaged. It was June and my lease was up in August, so she knew it was coming but didn’t know when. 

Traditionally, a man asks for his potential bride’s hand in marriage, but that wasn’t her plan. Tragically, her mother passed away when she was in college, and naturally, she grew very close to her younger sister. She always told me that the most important thing to her was that I asked her sister for her (my wife – let’s not play the pronoun game) hand. 

When July rolled around, I think she kind of accepted that either I would propose or she would just let me move in with her with the expectation that I would eventually propose. Regardless, she would come over to my lowly apartment and see that I wasn’t packed – or even in the process of packing. She got after me so much for this that it drove both of us crazy. She is a big picture person and I’m a what-did-you-just-say person. As time progressed, she began to put more and more pressure on me to get my stuff together.

I was coaching summer league swimming and July 11^th was the last day. We planned the move for the following weekend. On July 13^th, she sat me down and sternly told me that I needed to pack for the move. I needed to do it over the weekend. Mind you, she has a normal job with normal hours; I’m a teacher, so I was doing – anything but work. This was MY responsibility.

That night I went to a bar with Mark.