Friday, November 19, 2010

Weight Control Problem IV

I wouldn’t say I have a huge ass; it’s just bigger than most guys that I know. That’s not saying much because all of my friends have rear ends that are more concave than convex. I’m an observant guy, and I notice that some of my friends look like they are always about to sit down, like this:

So, why do all of my pants rip at the seam (here’s the previous post about it in case you’re new)? This is a question that has plagued me since I started working and wearing slacks 90% of the time. I purposely never squat; I do a split kind of move to pick things up, like so:

I’ve even contemplated making my own fashion line that focuses on helping people with this unique concern. I figure I could make a pair of slacks with elastic for a seam, like this:

Inspiration stuck me the other day, and I figured out what very well could be the problem – my wallet is too big. 

I know what you’re thinking, is it because of the phat money he makes teaching? No, no, good reader. I keep that change in the console of my car. Here is a simple breakdown of the things in my wallet by category (besides the necessities like my ID, insurance cards, etc.):

2 Best Buy Reward Zone Cards: When I go to Best Buy, all I end up buying are packs of Gummy Bears. They ARE very rewarding but am I building up enough points to need two?

3 Old Hotel Keys: I am nostalgic about my last trip to a Hilton wherever it was.

4 different food places: Uh, the Freebirds one got me a free t-shirt.

Broken University of Texas Credit Card: A casualty of my… carriage.

The Sandals charge card from my wedding: Didn’t actually know it was there. It was stuck to…

One of my 3 ID badges from work – one is from 2004!

Here are the random individual cards: Blockbuster, AAA, Barnes and Noble, Borders, Babin’s Gift Card, Finish Lines Shoes, Bear Creek Golf Course Membership, and one for Kroger.

22 extra cards! What am I to do?!? I can only get rid of 3 – 4 tops. I better get started on elastic ass-ed pants!


  1. No reference to George from Seinfeld? Is that too cliche? Too 90s?

    You DO have way too many cards. Maybe you need a wallet for each back pocket, though I'm not sure that would help with the seam splitting. Or maybe a wrislet or murse for all of your stuff?

    Do they not make pants (dress pants, jeans, etc) with a hint of Lycra for guys? They do for women, and they are AMAZING.

  2. I saw Pajama Jeans on the TV today; perhaps they would give a little more.

    I am not carrying a purse... maybe I could carry a gym bag every where I go.

  3. Pajama Jeans- they are so amazingly comfortable, you'll want to sleep in them! Not sure they come in man sizes.

  4. I think this post might require a picture of you doing the butt dance in your jeans...I might just have one available.

  5. I know I'm late to the party, but have you ever considered maternity pants with the sweet elastic panels? I considered never going back to regular pants after having a baby. The only problem is that you can't really tuck in your shirts.