I wouldn’t say I have a huge ass; it’s just bigger than most guys that I know. That’s not saying much because all of my friends have rear ends that are more concave than convex. I’m an observant guy, and I notice that some of my friends look like they are always about to sit down, like this:
So, why do all of my pants rip at the seam (here’s the previous post about it in case you’re new)? This is a question that has plagued me since I started working and wearing slacks 90% of the time. I purposely never squat; I do a split kind of move to pick things up, like so:
I’ve even contemplated making my own fashion line that focuses on helping people with this unique concern. I figure I could make a pair of slacks with elastic for a seam, like this:
Inspiration stuck me the other day, and I figured out what very well could be the problem – my wallet is too big.
I know what you’re thinking, is it because of the phat money he makes teaching? No, no, good reader. I keep that change in the console of my car. Here is a simple breakdown of the things in my wallet by category (besides the necessities like my ID, insurance cards, etc.):
I know what you’re thinking, is it because of the phat money he makes teaching? No, no, good reader. I keep that change in the console of my car. Here is a simple breakdown of the things in my wallet by category (besides the necessities like my ID, insurance cards, etc.):
2 Best Buy Reward Zone Cards: When I go to Best Buy, all I end up buying are packs of Gummy Bears. They ARE very rewarding but am I building up enough points to need two?
3 Old Hotel Keys: I am nostalgic about my last trip to a Hilton wherever it was.
4 different food places: Uh, the Freebirds one got me a free t-shirt.
Broken University of Texas Credit Card: A casualty of my… carriage.
The Sandals charge card from my wedding: Didn’t actually know it was there. It was stuck to…
One of my 3 ID badges from work – one is from 2004!
Here are the random individual cards: Blockbuster, AAA, Barnes and Noble, Borders, Babin’s Gift Card, Finish Lines Shoes, Bear Creek Golf Course Membership, and one for Kroger.
22 extra cards! What am I to do?!? I can only get rid of 3 – 4 tops. I better get started on elastic ass-ed pants!
No reference to George from Seinfeld? Is that too cliche? Too 90s?
ReplyDeleteYou DO have way too many cards. Maybe you need a wallet for each back pocket, though I'm not sure that would help with the seam splitting. Or maybe a wrislet or murse for all of your stuff?
Do they not make pants (dress pants, jeans, etc) with a hint of Lycra for guys? They do for women, and they are AMAZING.
I love the artwork!
ReplyDeleteYou need a man purse.
ReplyDeleteI saw Pajama Jeans on the TV today; perhaps they would give a little more.
ReplyDeleteI am not carrying a purse... maybe I could carry a gym bag every where I go.
Pajama Jeans- they are so amazingly comfortable, you'll want to sleep in them! Not sure they come in man sizes.
ReplyDeletehttps://www.pajamajeans.com/flare/next
I think this post might require a picture of you doing the butt dance in your jeans...I might just have one available.
ReplyDeleteI know I'm late to the party, but have you ever considered maternity pants with the sweet elastic panels? I considered never going back to regular pants after having a baby. The only problem is that you can't really tuck in your shirts.
ReplyDelete