*Note: I wrote this yesterday. The fast food hiatus ended pretty quickly.
I mentioned in Happy Birthday, Loser! that I would never dress up for Halloween again. Well, I’m a weak person and I gave in pretty pathetically. We had two parties to go to last night, so I figured between the two I’d feel even more awkward if I was the only one who wasn’t dressed. I debated about what to go as for weeks. Last year, my cat costume was inspired – a work of art. All I could think of was bat, bat, bat. Pretty lame, I know. It would just be my cat costume but with a cape. I changed my mind literally an hour before we left.
I went as Jacob from Twilight. I thought it would be funny because his abs look a little better than mine and Twilight isn’t really my style – kind of an ironic costume. I looked online and finding a picture of him with his shirt on was nearly impossible. It was also quite demoralizing. It’s like what are the bumps on his stomach and why doesn’t he have one big solid bump like mine? I felt like a teenage girl looking at pictures of Hannah Montana – or whoever the girls idolize these days. No wonder they have body image issues. I always felt like as long as I look better than John Goodman, I’m good.
After sorting through all of the bare-chested pictures, I found one where he was wearing a black shirt with the sleeves cut off. Money. Have that. I found some jeans that I had – grown – out of a while ago and cut them into shorts. I even got some of my wife’s eyeliner and drew a tattoo like he has on my arm. It was perfect. I could imagine people sitting around sipping martinis and between conversations about the stock market saying, “Did you see that guy dressed as Jacob? Bra-vo.”
Between the two parties, I probably talked to at least 50 people. The two most common comments were “Why didn’t you dress up?” and “Are you Meatloaf from The Rocky Horror Picture show?”
Not a single person guessed that I was Jacob. When I told them who I was supposed to be, they didn’t even snicker. Halloween is stupid.
P.S. I had fried chicken for lunch today and left a piece for later. I went to eat it a few minutes ago and my wife ate the fried batter off of it like Cartman did in South Park! That’s something a serial killer would do. Here’s the video in case you don’t get the reference.