Monday, June 6, 2011

Death Date: August 13, 2054

I have a lifetime subscription to Rolling Stone magazine. That’s right, lifetime. According to my online account,  Rolling Stone has predicted my death date to be August 13, 2054. It is a lifetime subscription and it ends, like the hourglass of my life. A man from Rolling Stone who smells like Cheech Marin will appear at my door to end my subscription. I was born in August of 1980, so that means I’m going to die when I’m 73. It’s kind of a sad realization but Rolling Stone knows all.

However, this is all beside the point. How do I even have a lifetime subscription? My mom got a subscription for me every year in high school, so maybe after 4 years of subscriptions, they decided to show their loyalty to me! No, despite what I would like to believe, they are a faceless, soulless entity like any other corporation. They just want me to order Viagra and fake diamond, skull encrusted belt buckles from the ads in the back of the magazine.

I talked to my dad about my lifetime subscription once, and he told me that I’d grow out of Rolling Stone soon enough and wouldn’t want it anymore. I thought, No way man! I’m gonna keep on a-rocking! And, actually, I still read every issue I get, though it might start fading as I get older. Really, though, I’d read any magazine in the world as long as it was placed on my bed stand. I read Us Weekly whenever we get one (despite the name, it comes whenever it comes); it should be called Us Once-in-a-While. I will admit that I enjoy reading the Who Wore it Best section, especially when they compare two people who have no business being compared; I saw Heidi Klum vs. Serena Williams. Beauty and Beast, homey.

I do feel like many of the things I liked when I was younger are completely lost on me now. I used to religiously watch The Real World, and now I hate it. I watched the MTV Movie Awards last night and the only part I liked was when Reese Witherspoon chastised all of the celebrities with sex tapes and nude cell phone pictures for not being embarrassed. I’m getting old, people. Soon I will watch the Weather Channel… more so. I’ll tape (because I won’t know how to DVR) episodes of Murder, She wrote. I will watch JAG.

Well, on the bright side, I learned that my mom actually bought the lifetime subscription for me for $50 when I left for college. So, if I really think about it, my mom is buying something for me every month! Ya! I feel young again; my mommy is buying stuff for me still!


  1. One of the funniest you've written. I love the image of a Rolling Stone empolyee, smelling like Cheech Marin, showing up to terminate your lifetime "subscription".

  2. Fifty bucks sounds like a deal for a lifetime subscription.

    I used to read Rolling Stone, but like MTV before them, they seemed to get away from the music and had articles about everything else. It's been a while since I've seen it, though. Do they still a-rock?

  3. That is too creepy! Don't leave your house on that day!!

  4. i've got one, too. at least i thought i had. now they say i don't...born in 1950 & been reading it since issue #4. there's always a reason to keep reading it. when the music sux, there's someone like, say, Matt Taibbi to hold my interest...