Thursday, August 30, 2012

Bed Princess

I am the bed princess. I have to have things just right to sleep at night.

1.    I can’t have a freaking duvet cover. They are rough and my sensitive skin feels it with every pore and hair follicle. Duvets feel like sandpaper on my skin. Duvets make me want to go into full body convulsions. They make my blood boil in a way that few other things do. To me, a duvet is the equivalent of wearing super tight pants with even tighter underwear on below. It’s like an errant piece of plastic from a cut price tag poking my hip. It’s coat hangers that are hooked together when I just want one.

2.    I also, apparently, need 5 inches of pillow or comforter between my legs. First, no comforter between the legs (skin on skin) is a nightmare. It’s bone on bone and a sweat machine. For some reason, three inches isn’t enough either. 5 inches is a scientific fact.

3.    I don’t know how to avoid a crick in my neck. I think I get a crick once a week. I’m like Lurch from The Addams Family. When I turn, it’s more of a full body turn than a swivel of the neck. My chiropractor quenches his weird (I think sexual) need for thunderous joint popping when I amble in. I’m like Bugs Bunny dressed as a woman and he’s the wolf in a zoot suit.  I mean, he calls me darling.

4.    I’ve mentioned that I’m super paranoid before… many times. Well, sometimes, not all the time, I have to tell myself that if a serial killer kills me in my sleep, it’s the way things are supposed to be. Mom, wife, don’t comment on this. I know I’m not going to die. Sometimes, that’s the only way to do it though. When I was a teenager, I had this reoccurring thought that Freddie Mercury was going to be the one to kill me in my sleep. I see those teeth… and… it’s over. Come on, wife and mom… laugh!

5.    Sometimes my feet cramp too.

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