Anti-Social Me 1256

I’m an ultra punctual person. I’m never late for anything. For me, 15 minutes early is on time. However, I realized recently that this punctuality directly conflicts with my anti-social nature. Let me explain: I get to places early and end up having to make small talk with acquaintances or strangers while we wait for whatever we’re there for to begin. Someone needs to start up some classes that teach people like me how to make small talk. I have no chit-chat abilities. Like, is there some secret topic that I can bring up to engage others and prevent them from talking about whatever they want to talk about? Here are some ideas for after the hellos off of the top of my head:

1.    “I just bought a boat.” This one comes from Seinfeld. He used it to get a girl who might question him off topic. The problem with this is that I’d need to research boats because what happens when they know a lot about boats and I don’t? I’ll be searching answers to their detailed questions. I could say, “Well, I just bought it today, so I don’t know the ins and outs yet.” I could just tell them the color. “It’s white with blue trim. Real reminiscent of the Spanish Armada.” I could also say it has some sort of interesting name and get double off topic and talk about the name. “It’s the USS Banana Hammock.” I would then go into detail about how it got the name. I’d talk about the irony of the USS part because it’s actually quite small, though I don’t know the exact dimensions. The Banana Hammock part could be some sort of anecdote about the previous captain’s predilection toward Speedos. Then I would go into the color of his banana hammock. “White with blue trim… ha ha ha ha ha.” Checkmate person. And, guess what? The meeting just started.  

2.    “I spent all morning watch and editing Chris Mullin highlights to put on Youtube.” The problem with this is that I’d need to explain to the person that I’m not racist. You see, I figure one would need to have a bit of the old white power mentality in them to create a Chris Mullin highlight reel. Like, who cares about Chris Mullin besides people who want to prove that white people can play basketball, too? Maybe a family member would do it, so I could actual go down that route and say I’m his cousin. I think the family member angle would be harder because they’d ask questions about him. On the other hand, they would never be able to crosscheck my assertions, so I could go wherever I wanted with this. “Oh yeah, Chris is real into anime. Probably the biggest collection in Carson City. Oh, you didn’t know how lives there? Yeah, he’s a big Area 51 nut so he likes to be close to the scene but not too close.” Ding. The meeting started.

3.    “I have to use the restroom.” This always works in extreme situations, but, like I said, I get to places 15 minutes early. Spending over 10 minutes in a restroom only means one thing: drug use. Were you thinking pooping? Geez, come one, I have more class than that. So, if you’re okay with the people thinking you’re doing lines off of their fine marble counter tops then by all means go for it. I, on the other hand only, use this method just for getting out of conversations and not waiting for meetings to start.

Three is all I have for now. They are three perfect outs though. I fail to see any holes in the logic here.  Try them, pitch them in strong.