Happy Birthday, Loser!

My birthday was this past Saturday. I am thirty years old now, and this means little to me. I’m not the type of person who’s going to get down about this, and I really didn’t want any type of fuss made.




However, the issue here is that my wife’s friend was having a birthday party for her husband on that day. In my mind, here is the ultimate loser scenario: we walk in to this party and begin to mingle. *On a side note, rather than map all of the relationships out, just know at this party there were probably two people I am friends with and one who is on the top 5 friends level.


Here is what I imagine this virus of a conversation would have been like:


Good Friend: (loud enough voice for 3 or 4 random people to hear) Happy birthday, man!


1st Random Person: (mouthing to date) Are we celebrating someone else’s birthday, too?


2nd Random Person: (whispering to her conversation buddy) Hey, I think it’s that husky guy’s birthday, too. Where are his friends?


3rd Random Person: (Normal voice to someone across the party) Did you hear? It’s that paunchy, goofball’s birthday? I heard all of his friends had an intervention regarding his decidedly lame personality and ending up kicking him out of their circle.


4th Random Person: (to no one in particular but pointing at me) That fat douche bag is a loser with no friends.


Thank goodness I didn’t go!


Also...
Here’s the other issue. It was a costume party – in August, go figure. Apparently, the theme was “Around the World.” People were supposed to dress up like people all over the world. Yeah, I don’t get it either. Regardless, I have sworn off costume parties after last Halloween. I’ve reached the point where all of my friends are either too old or too cool to dress up anymore. While they had lost any trace of youthfulness and imagination, I had the best costume ever!


I always try to go for funny because serious doesn’t really fit my personality. Any way, what’s a serious costume? Colin Powell? Malignant tumor? Also, topical costumes don’t work for me either because I’m always behind the curve. I’d be the person who would dress as the lady from the early 2000's show The Weakest Link in 2010. I guess it would be a great conversation piece because everyone would have to ask why I’m dressed as a young Elton John?


Back to the point, all of my friends wore costumes that were obviously put together that morning or just old hooker costumes they had from college – seriously ladies, let’s come up with some other sexy ideas! My costume was the Marvel Comics character the Black Cat. You might be thinking to yourself, isn’t that a girl character? You are right! Good for you and your knowledge of comic book heroes. I dressed like this:

No one else matched my zeal. Next year, I’m just going to draw on a Hitler mustache and goes as Michael Jordan (google it!).