Sunday, August 15, 2010

Protoss v. Plumber

This week might have been the most frustrating week ever in my household. Our refrigerator stopped working. That implies the whole thing but actually it was just the fridge and not the freezer. It was a slow, painful death for all of the shit in our fridge. As the fridge got warmer and warmer, we started putting our goods in the freezer side, which was also beginning to say, “I'm with Fridge. Sucks to work!” Despite its defiant nature, it maintained a middle ground between freezing and Mr. Fridge’s job. This worked well enough because the chicken breasts and tubes of ground beef were staying cool enough to not go bad (on a side note, I am bleeding out of my anus now), but the denizens of the fridge were too cold. I made a sandwich with bits of ice chunk mayonnaise. It isn’t fun to bite into a scrumptious, mesquite turkey sandwich with bits of frozen mayonnaise in it. I’m a texture guy when it comes to eating: fuck frozen mayo. It’s sick. I digress.

These guys were coming to the house all week, and because I am a teacher and have nothing to do over the summer, I stayed home and wait for these guys. I don’t have to go into a rant about how asshole-ish the guys can be because everyone knows. Everyone has heard the line, “They’ll be there between 10:00 a.m. and 10:00 p.m.”

On another note, I just received Starcraft II from Brother 2 for my birthday, which counter intuitively hasn’t happened yet (I’ll get into that later). I’m not a video game guy. I suck at video games and always have sucked. When I played Mario Bros on NES, I could never make Mario land on a platform with lava on either side. He always slid his Italian ass off. The only game I could ever play was MarioKart for Super Nintendo. I owned it! I was good at it too.

Back to the story, I suck at Starcraft. I played the original when it came out. I sucked at that. I enjoy playing because I can beat some people sometimes (I suspect they have carpal tunnel syndrome with wands attached to their wrists which makes them type slowly, and they don’t have fingers).

The morning that these plumbers came over to look at our washer, I was gaming it up. I had been gaming it up since I woke up. This includes teeth that had not been brushed yet, boxer briefs that had not been covered with any type of shorts that are accepted by the public (BTW, not a sexy kind of boxer briefs but the fat guy kind), and eye gunk still intact. As I was in the middle of an epic game (I can say this now because I play video games!), the plumber knocked on the door. I was playing a multiplayer game, which means I can’t pause. If I don’t answer the door (thought about it), Wife would murder me because she had been orchestrating the whole plumbing thing behind the scenes. She dealt with the warranty company and the plumbing company; all I had to do was stop playing. Just stop.

I find a middle ground (I think I’ve already used every synonymous term for this already) and keep the game going. Of the three problems I have (dirty teeth, underwear, and eye goop), I make the decision to go with shorts. I’m sure if the plumber knew he would thank me for that level of civility.

Here is the conversation:

Me: "Good morning, How ya doing?"

Plumber: "Is it still morning?"

Me: I look at the clock and see it’s 1:30 or so. “Huh, yeah. I guess not. Let me show you the washer.”

Plumber: He takes a look.

Me: As my heartbeats more than it should in this scenario, I scurry to my office room to make sure everything is okay. The Protoss are at bay. The plumber says, "Sir," about 8 times.

Me: "Uh... Yes?"

Plumber: Plumbing stuff

Me: Walk into the washroom. “What do you think is wrong?”

Plumber: “It’s an easy fix…" <plumber talk>

Computer: Mayday!!!, Mayday!!! (Loudly resonates through my house. We can both hear it. He’s sizing me up because I look like a jock but he sees my bloodshot eyes, a hot pocket wrapper, and can smell the Dr. Pepper on my breath. He knows. Oh, he knows.)

Me: “Huh, you don’t say.”

This is where I point out to you that I know nothing about anything handy. It’s almost like I choose to not know though I desperately want my wife to believe I can do the simplest tasks. I pray to God she doesn’t ask me to change her tire or pump her car… like a jump, or whatever.)

Plumber: “Well, if you cut a hole…”

Computer: "Help! Help! We’re under attack!"

Me: Glance over my shoulder in the direction of the computer room.

Plumber: “We can do it but it will cost…”

Computer: “Ahhhhhhhh!” In a blood curdling manner.

Me: Anexity

Plumber: “Do you understand?”

Computer: “We’re fucking dying here!”

Me:”Uh, yeah. I’ll… have to talk to my wife… and Vespian Gas… and so forth.”

Plumber: “Vespian Gas?”

Me: “Uh, heard about it on… Protoss... right in the ass… tv.”

Plumber: “Ok… tell your wife to give us a call.”

How emasculating is that? Hey, you’re too nerdy to understand what we’re talking about, so would you get your wife to call us?

I am SO going to fuck up the next guy I play for this inconvenience.

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