Tuesday, August 31, 2010

Fat Guys, What’s up?

How do you do it? I would say I’m about 30 lbs overweight, but anyone who just met me wouldn’t think that I am. I had this philosophy in college that if my chest was bigger than my gut I’d always be okay. I started lifting weights after I graduated from high school. I’ve been lifting weights about four times a week since and I’m 30 now. The problem lies in the fact that I’ve about pushed the limit of my chest size. I don’t think it can really get any bigger. My gut, on the other hand, seems to be boundless. My gut seems to be in some sort of competition with my chest. The gut is beginning to win.

When I came back from New York, I weighed about 250 lbs. I figure for my height and body frame I should weigh about 220 lbs. I’ve been working pretty hard lately, and I’ve gotten down to 240 lbs. The main issue is that I think my once mighty metabolism has shut off. If I so much as eat a few pieces of fruit, I look like I just chugged 20 beers. When I eat even the smallest portions of the healthiest food I can find, my pants don’t fit all of the sudden. I can be comfortable at work, just doing fine, and after lunch, I feel like the button on my pants is about to shoot off like an X-Wing fleeing the Death Star.

Another big problem is that half of the pants I own are ripping at the seam on my butt. I don’t know what happened, but over the past year, I’ve had to retire several pairs of pants because of this problem. I try to sew them up but I’m a subpar seamstress at best. My pants just slowly start to spread apart as the workday goes on. By the end of the day, my pants actually feel more comfortable; however, it’s because they are slowly widening on their own. I guess they try to work with me – try to make my life more comfortable – but they simultaneously embarrass me.

Example 1:

This is the reverse-XYZ syndrome. XYZ means eXamine Your Zipper. Well, it’s not the zipper in this case; it’s my butt-side seam. Maybe at work people should say, XYBSS. Then I can quickly cover the opening in the back of my pants and slink out of the room blushing to the crowd and covering my behind.

Ex. 2

I’m an optimist and a problem solver, so here is the first solution that comes to mind: wear gym shorts under my pants at work, so when this happens it will by slightly less embarrassing. It’ll just be weird. I’ll be the guy who wears gym shorts under his slacks. Everyone will talk and gossip about it, but no one will remember there was a rip. The shorts will also remind me to go to the gym.

Here is the best solution: I’m not a 35 waist; I’m a 36! Just buy bigger pants in the future! Duh. This will require some time because I can’t just go to the store and buy a bunch of new pants. I can compromise though. We live by a bunch of Christian ministries and Salvation Army type stores. Maybe I could go in and stock up on big boy hand-me-downs. I can wear those until I am able to work in the new stylish pants that I buy from nicer stores. It’s win-win: I am comfortable with my ass seam intact and some poor people get some money. That’s how these types of places work, right?

Ex 3. These are my one and only suit pants. I had them professionally fixed :)

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