This summer my wife and I went to upstate New York for a bit of a vacation. We weren’t there for too long, but I feel like I got to experience the culture of the area. Let me preface this by saying that the farthest north on the east coast I’ve ever been is Atlanta (probably not east coast, right?). I’d like to think it’s because the North has snow sometimes, and if cartoons and comics have taught me anything, shoveling snow is backbreaking work – thank you for the enlightenment Family Circus. Plus, you can slip on it! And it’s cold on your skin! And it gets dirty and gross! I could go on and on, but I’ll progress here.
In New York, we went to a lake house my father-in-law rented at Lake Keuka, which is about an hour and a half outside of Rochester. One of the reasons we went there was to have a quasi-family reunion. This is where the story begins. I could probably spin a million yarns (plural sounds weird) about the events that took place there, but this story remains the best to come out of the extended weekend.
My wife has an Uncle and Aunt who are in their late 60’s, and both are extremely affable and lovely people. Two things to know: 1) her uncle told one hilarious story after another. 2) her aunt’s personality would best be described as ditzy (I mean this the nicest way possible). Here is the story he told to my wife and me:
*I’m going to say Uncle and Aunt as if they are proper nouns. Take it as such, like there are these people with these names. Like someone named Junior.
When Aunt had her second son (the fact that it was the second is important because she should know better), she had just reached the point of being able to bring him home from the hospital. They had the crib set up, the diapers ready, etc. and bringing a baby home wasn’t really a new experience. According to Uncle, the baby weighed quite a bit and slightly resembled the guys one might see at a NASCAR event who have beer bellies that dip well below their Confederate belt buckles (not condescending – watch NASCAR and see for yourself). One day after Aunt changed the baby’s diapers, she noticed that something was off (no pun intended). She couldn’t find his penis. She looked all over her little butterball and couldn’t find his penis anywhere! As one might imagine, this was a concern for her. Was her son now a GIRL?!? Can babies spontaneously change sex like the dinosaurs in Jurassic Park? Like any good mother, she concluded that the next logical step would be to call the doctor. It’s hard to imagine the doctor’s reaction when he received this call. It’s a joke that just writes itself:
Woman: Doc, I’ve lost my son’s penis!
Doctor: Where was the last place you remembered having it?
Or
Woman: Doc, I’ve lost my son’s penis!
Doctor: I’m sure it’s there; it’s probably just hard to find. He must be _________ (fill in the person/group of people you wish to offend).
(Well, they write themselves for a funnier person.)
Apparently doctors are all serious, so he told her to calm down, keep looking around and she’d find it.
Back to Uncle actually telling the story: She hears what he is saying – she was talking to some of her other relatives within earshot – and says, “That’s not how it happened.” She proceeds to tell the exact same story without a hint of embarrassment or reservation. Only she adds that she looked for the penis in the crib, around the crib, beneath the crib - every preposition possible. She might have even tried looking despite the crib; I don’t know.
One might wonder is there some man who has the privates (that’s right, I used that word) of a troll doll? A man who has never experienced that gut wrenching feeling of being kicked in the testicles for saying a girl looks dumpy – what the hell, I was too young to know any better! A New York mythical figure that has legends written about him suggesting around the Finger Lakes in upstate New York at night one can hear the wind whisper, “Have you seen my penis?”
No, they found his penis gently tucked up under his belly. It happens to us all. Yeah, you with the beer belly; you know what I’m talking about.
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