Monday, March 14, 2011

The Delicate Balance of Marriage

The recipe for a good marriage includes a division of labor. This division might not be an agreed upon, spoken deal, but if both agree then things work smoothly. For example, I cook dinner, fold and hang up our clothes, and do the yard work. I also lift heavy things and open difficult jars. My wife has the hardest job in our family unit: the finances. She does a fantastic job of putting money away for savings and allocating the proper amounts for groceries, bills, birthday presents, etc.

The main problem with her controlling the finances is that she knows my every move. This conversation happens at least once a week.

Wife: What did you have for lunch today?

Me: Uh, you know. The usual.

Wife: How was that Whataburger?

Me: Uh, what?

Wife: You went to Whataburger for lunch today, right?

Me (looking over my shoulder for spies or possible floating cameras a la the Mojoverse for X-Men): Uh, how did you know that?

The Mojoverse!

Wife: I saw it on the computer.

Me: Uh, your computer sees me?

Wife: The bank account.

Me: Ah.

I imagine how you could see the problem with this. I can’t be sneaky. She knows my every move. New shorts. She knows. Fast food. She knows. Gummy bears. She knows. This is also affects me for non-selfish reasons. We just had our anniversary, and I wanted to buy her some flowers. There is no sneaky way to do this without outright lying. I could say I needed $60 for new compression shorts, but she would have told me I am wasting my money because I already have three pairs. I’m not crafty enough to think of anything else. Any other excuse would just sound completely made up. “Uh, I need $60 to buy… some… banjo…uh… strings.” Just doesn’t work.

Ultimately, I had to tell her that I need money to buy flowers for her. I guess that kind of takes the romance away for the whole situation, but at least I picked out the flowers and had them arranged myself. Half romance is better than no romance. 


  1. It was romantic! Don't make people think you're not a sweetie pie...

  2. Well it is a beautiful arrangement. You couldn't just withdraw sixty dollars from the ATM and tell her it was a surprise?

    Maybe next time you should just buy a bunch of gummy bears and then make her giant gummy bears. She'd never see that coming. And it would be fun for her to ask, "Whey did you need a five pound bag of gummy bears?" so you could say, "Oh, nothing. Just gummy bear stuffs."

  3. I have the same problem, for the same reason. I do what Chanel suggested. On those special occassions I just take money out of the ATM. Usually she figures out why. When she doesn't, I say it's a surprise, and that does it. You're right it takes some of the surprise out of it, but she still doesn't know what she's going to get.

  4. Holy crap on a row boat! This is me and my wife exactly! Every time I hit up the coffee shop, I KNOW I'm gonna pay for it later that night during a Spanish inquisition-style conversation. I'll wait for you to devise some sort of secret code or software program that corrects this horrible atrocity.

  5. To Anonymous-

    I'm happy you like them. :)

    To Chanel and EA-

    If I withdrawal money, she knows. She question me until I give in.

    I suppose I could think of creative ways to hide what I'm doing. Maybe I could just save a dollar for sixty days and she would notice.

    To Doc Cynicism-

    I'll work on the code. Maybe I false company could be created that is called "American Dry Cleaners" and it's actually a means to take out money.

    The husbands of the world need to come together to come up with ways to hide money.

    Adulterers need not respond.

  6. Gorgeous flowers! A lot of us womens like it that you men think to surprise us; it doesn't really matter that it doesn't work.

  7. My wife and I are the same way. I don't get the Spanish Inquisition the way you do, but she always knows. What's worse is that we work together and so there's little opportunity to even go shopping without her knowing and bring her back something nice. How do you get the flowers without her knowing you're going to go get her flowers?

  8. Haha, did she also say the flowers were a waste of money?! Enjoy that Whataburger. I would kill for some REAL mustard and onions on a super thin flat burger right about now. Ohhh, or even better, fries and gravy. And a large chocolate milk shake. I like to stay healthy. Wait, what was this post about?!?...
    I think ya'll have a great balance, and really, that is what it is all about!

  9. I've never been to a Whataburger but I by God, I will one of these days.

  10. Open up your own checking account to put away a little money for such occasions :-)