Tuesday, March 1, 2011

Bar Soap vs. Body Wash

There is a point in every couple’s relationship where a decision must be made: bar soap or body wash. This question is more than meets the eye because, while not spoken out loud, we know it’s really: man’s bar soap or woman’s body wash. The path that a couple takes depends on who makes the better argument for their choice in body cleansing.

Body wash is inferior. First, when I use body wash, I use half of the bottle. I squirt a bunch on my arm, smear it around trying to work up some bubbles, and vainly try to wash it off. I repeat this process all over my body until the bottle is half full (at least I’m positive about it). The body wash never really gets off my skin. I just get out of the water with a nice film of soap still on my body.

You’re probably thinking, well use a luffa, dumbass. This brings me to me second point. I refuse to use any type of hygienic body product that requires a special tool. A wash cloth is not a tool because I already have one. I’d have to purposely go to a luffa store and buy one. Furthermore, one doesn’t NEED to use a wash cloth with bar soap; however, Dave Chappelle and the big, fat cat wash cloth lobbyists would have you believe otherwise.

Third, bar soap makes bubbles. Bubbles let one know they’re being cleaned. Did I get my back? There are bubbles, so yeah.

Fourth, body wash is only for girls. They don’t make manly body wash. It might have a manly label, but it’s not manly. Bar soap has Irish Spring. Ireland makes me think of bare knuckle fighting, Irish whiskey, and derby hats: all manly. Hmmm… perhaps all of my knowledge of Ireland comes from Far and Away

Fifth, my bar soap can be used for hand soap, too. It’s the Swiss Army Knife of the washing world.

Here are my wife’s counterpoints: “I don’t care. You’ve made your point. Stop standing on the couch.”


**Update: I've finally started updating my work out page if anyone is interested.


  1. I think your problem is that you just don't know the right technique. Prepare yourself for some learnin.

    1. Get a wash cloth.
    2. Soak it.
    3. Center it on your hand.
    4. Squirt a liberal zigzag of body wash on the cloth over your hand.
    5. Get a little water on top.
    6. Use your other hand to work up a rich lather.
    7. Use the now soapy, bubbly wash cloth to clean yourself.
    8. Throw that gross, slippery bar of soap into the trash.

    It might also interest you to know that the fine folks at Irish Spring make a body wash. It probably smells like bare knuckles.

    Also, why would you fetch your bar of soap to wash your hands? Unless... do you turn on the shower to wash your hands?

  2. To Nate-

    It sounds like someone is more woman than man. Would you teach me how to put on make-up next? Also, I think the body wash Irish Spring says "for ladies" in the fine print.

  3. I've seen how you apply your make-up -- I don't think I can help you.

    If the Irish Spring won't cut it, you can always use some Axe body wash... You'll probably fit right in at school.

  4. To Nate-

    Yeah right, you wish your blush looked as good as mine.

    On a serious note, Axe is the worst invention (?) for high school boys. They douse themselves with it and it's just... just awful.

  5. I happen to have the body wash form of Irish Spring in my hand right now. *reads* And no. It does NOT say for ladies. You, sir, are wrong.


    I buy this body wash for Padawan because bar soap sits there on the side of the bathtub in water, scums up the side, and grows bacteria on it because it is constantly exposed to air and hands. I do not allow bar soap in my apartment. I also purchased a manly loofa for Padawan and showed him how to use it. He is comfortable enough with his sexuality that he only complained for the first month or so before finally settling down.

    When you use a loofa, it bubbles.

    Bar soap also dries out your skin. Disgusting. And none of it smells that great. And it leaves soap scum on your skin, too.

    And I still have my body wash, which is not Irish Spring, that I use with my own loofa. You do not have to choose between your soap or hers. Both can exist, so long as she doesn't hate your nasty soap.

    Also, if soap falls of then it gets the bottom of the shower slippery and you fall. Not fun. Body wash is in a bottle that closes. No problems.

    Over all, body wash is better. It's still soap. It's just in a better form.

  6. To Chanel-

    These arguments are all capricious and arbitrary.

    First, look closer, it says for women. I'm sure it does.

    Second, my bar soap does not sit in water or build up bacteria. If a bath tub is cleaned regularly and the soap used daily, bacteria does not grow on it. Padawan needs to get his learn on. Bar soap is self-cleaning.

    Third, I'm comfortable with my sexuality. I'm a guy. That's what sex I am.

    Fourth, my skin is dry like a tortoise; the sexiest animal in the animal kingdom. It can't be dry AND scummy... scum is slimy. Point, Johnny.

    Fifth, we clean our bath tub. No slippage.


  7. Wow, this topic sure is controversial. Did you plan for that? For the record, I've used bar soap ON MY FACE for my whole life and the result is that I've never had one pimple. Okay, maybe one.

  8. Oh, and I love the Far and Away image. That image alone makes the movie better.

  9. To Brent-

    There is another plus. Bar soap prevents body/face acne. I didn't know these body wash troglodytes would come out of their caves to comment. :)

  10. Just showing my support by stopping by. That's really awesome btw.

  11. Hahaah, Tom Cruise has taught us so much about different cultures. Ever seen the brutal Valkyrie, cringeworthy. But I do love me some Far and Away. Anyways, is it bad I just use shampoo for my body wash?!? Hmmm, I might just be a weirdo, or at least the smelly kid in class. Haha.

  12. If Irish Spring body wash says "for ladies," then I am sure that the Old Spice body wash next to it does not. Although I have been known to use Old Spice anti-perspirant in a pinch...

    And we are not troglodytes, we are body wash sycophants. Get it right.

  13. I don't care what my man uses as long as it's Old Spice.

    I do have to say, when someone says they're going to jail/prison I've never heard someone jokingly say, "Don't drop the bodywash."


  14. @ tkChan--

    One thousand points for the prison reference. I don't care if Johnny agrees or not... you win!

  15. The bottle says, "Get ready, lad. It's been known to bring out the lasses."

    I'm pretty sure that's addressed to men.

    We clean out our shower! I have Padawan scrub it down once a week. And I'm not speaking about experience from Padawan. He got rid of his bar soap habit when we moved in together. My bar soap experience comes from Grandpa. It is gross.

    Unless you have one of these...


    That would be okay.

  16. Yeah, I'm gonna have to say I'm totally team body wash. I grew up in a bar household and just used shampoo for soap instead to avoid the pube-caked germ bar.

  17. I think you use the wrong body wash my friend. I have dated many man who used manly body wash, and let's just say I liked it. I liked it a lot. Soap just doesn't leave that same fresh scent, and soap is scummy, not body wash. Perhaps your bathing habits are skewing your perception...

  18. Yeah you gotta use body wash, leaves a much nicer smell!

  19. My husband would have agreed with you until he bought some kind of manly Body Wash for his gym bag. Then he came home from the gym and I did a 180 when manly good smell tickled across my nose.

    Dang, he has a secret weapon now. I am powerless to the smell of his new Body Wash.

  20. OMG.

    1. stop yourself.

    2. i had a lot of catching up to do on this here blog, and, i liked it.

    3. i liked it alot

    4. even more, i like that you used a Far and Away reference. One of the first real movies i watched. And then watched almost every single weekend with my parents. i was obsessed. Oddly, no one else has ever heard of it.

    5. i hate body wash. even if it is for girls. all girls hate it too. It doesn't get you clean, it just makes the shower smell good. it's like aromatherapy for the shower. we only buy it when it's the semi-annual sale at bath & body works

  21. I've been having such a hard time finding good affordable body washes. Recently, I have found that Bubalina Products work really well with my skin.

  22. So you're one of those who thinks they're getting clean by simply rubbing soap on their body. I have brothers, and my whole life I've known them to use a wash sponge or loofah (which you can get practically anywhere, including Walmart, Walgreens, Target, etc.) and they used this with a bar of soap. You should be using a scrubbing agent to removed dead skin cells regardless of whether you are using soap or body wash.