I don’t know if this is a problem for other men, but it takes me way too long to get dressed for work in the morning. I get to school in gym shorts, a t-shirt, and running shoes because I coach athletics first period. The head coach and I (I am the assistant coach) get into our office at the same time and usually start getting dressed. We generally both wear similar clothes to work – dress shoes, slacks, and a button up shirt. I’ve noticed over the three years we’ve worked together that he gets dressed in about half the time it takes me. I’ve narrowed my two major getting-ready problems to this: shirt buttoning and shirt tucking.
It’s terribly shameful to admit but I have trouble buttoning up my shirt. I might as well just have nubs instead of actual fingers. I would be just as successful using the back of my hands to button up my shirt. I have no dexterity in my fingers, and it’s sad that I’m just realizing this. In college, all of my friends learned how to play the guitar and could at least play some easy songs (Look up Come as You Are by Nirvana – I bet a 5 year old could be taught to play it. ANY five year old. Seriously, all of my friends can play it). I could only play the beginning of Hot Crossed Buns. I could never play anything because my sausage fingers couldn’t move around fast enough. In fact, it’s taking me forever to even write these words you’re reading. It goes: write, write, write, backspace, backspace. Well, every button on my shirt takes triple the time a normal person would take, and my nemesis, I mean the Mondays to my Garfield, are the tiny, little collar buttons. They are even smaller and more impossible. I have to be in a relaxed, good mood to try to button those babies because I will explode into a ball of rage so… round… bouncy… and angry. Well, ball of rage doesn’t really make sense to me, but I’ll be so super frustrated that I might mutter, “Geez, Louise.” Needless to say, I’m looking into snap button cowboy shirts. I live in Texas, so I don’t think anyone will notice.
The other problem is tucking in my shirt. I apparently just don’t know the secret to doing this right. I look at other men with their shirts tucked and I just don’t get it. What are they doing? It’s too embarrassing to ask and too erotic to watch. Here is how I tuck my shirt in: I start on my right side and tuck in, clockwise, going around my waist. By the time I make it around, the other side has slipped right out. I’ve tried to do it all at once, but that ends up being a mess. There is just no way for me to do this.
How much do you think it would cost to get a tailor to hem all of my shirts so they look like they’re tucked in? Man, that would be awesome. I could be free and easy. No more being pinned down by my shirts.
My life has been a constant battle with my clothes and I’m consistently losing.
Update: Weight Loss Attempts