Monday, March 7, 2011

The Hardest Button to Button

I don’t know if this is a problem for other men, but it takes me way too long to get dressed for work in the morning. I get to school in gym shorts, a t-shirt, and running shoes because I coach athletics first period. The head coach and I (I am the assistant coach) get into our office at the same time and usually start getting dressed. We generally both wear similar clothes to work – dress shoes, slacks, and a button up shirt. I’ve noticed over the three years we’ve worked together that he gets dressed in about half the time it takes me. I’ve narrowed my two major getting-ready problems to this: shirt buttoning and shirt tucking.

It’s terribly shameful to admit but I have trouble buttoning up my shirt. I might as well just have nubs instead of actual fingers. I would be just as successful using the back of my hands to button up my shirt. I have no dexterity in my fingers, and it’s sad that I’m just realizing this. In college, all of my friends learned how to play the guitar and could at least play some easy songs (Look up Come as You Are by Nirvana – I bet a 5 year old could be taught to play it. ANY five year old. Seriously, all of my friends can play it). I could only play the beginning of Hot Crossed Buns. I could never play anything because my sausage fingers couldn’t move around fast enough. In fact, it’s taking me forever to even write these words you’re reading. It goes: write, write, write, backspace, backspace. Well, every button on my shirt takes triple the time a normal person would take, and my nemesis, I mean the Mondays to my Garfield, are the tiny, little collar buttons. They are even smaller and more impossible. I have to be in a relaxed, good mood to try to button those babies because I will explode into a ball of rage so… round… bouncy… and angry. Well, ball of rage doesn’t really make sense to me, but I’ll be so super frustrated that I might mutter, “Geez, Louise.” Needless to say, I’m looking into snap button cowboy shirts.  I live in Texas, so I don’t think anyone will notice.

The other problem is tucking in my shirt. I apparently just don’t know the secret to doing this right. I look at other men with their shirts tucked and I just don’t get it. What are they doing? It’s too embarrassing to ask and too erotic to watch. Here is how I tuck my shirt in: I start on my right side and tuck in, clockwise, going around my waist. By the time I make it around, the other side has slipped right out. I’ve tried to do it all at once, but that ends up being a mess. There is just no way for me to do this.

How much do you think it would cost to get a tailor to hem all of my shirts so they look like they’re tucked in? Man, that would be awesome. I could be free and easy. No more being pinned down by my shirts.

My life has been a constant battle with my clothes and I’m consistently losing. 


  1. I think these problems just get worse as you get older. Whether you have a gut or not, the front will always separate at the bottom button, and the back tail will always slip up and out of the pants. It's inevitable. Give in now and just stop tucking and your life will be less stressful.
    It Just Got Interesting

  2. I am a flutist and the guitar has conquered my nimble flutist fingers. You are not alone in your defeat. I can only play a handful of easy riffs. It is a very difficult instrument. It doesn't help that the strings hurt your fingers. Where's the incentive to learn?

    And I never button the wrist buttons on any shirt myself. That's what the various men in my life are for, from Padawan to friends to my poor coworkers. If I notice my wrist buttons have come undone I imperiously hold out my arm to whatever male is nearest and say, "Oh, my button has come undone! Please fix it?" And then it is done. You should try this, except with women. It is far easier to get the opposite sex to do things for you than the same sex. I don't know why this is.

    And the way I used to tuck in my shirt (for marching band: no other shirt on a woman needs to be tucked in unless wearing a pencil skirt) I'd pull my pants up over the shirt, make sure it was all in before I zipped and buttoned, and then I lightly plucked at the bottom of my shirt so that if fell just right over the waist of the pants. NEVER try to tuck after you've buttoned and zipped. It's just more complicated.

  3. Do you have problem with shirt buttons only or all the buttons in the house? *nudge nudge* In the interest of thrusting camaraderie, I'll assume the answer to that is "Hell no!", in which either get bigger, grip friendly buttons or fuck them altogether! Men developed fingers for ripping their way through anacondas' bellies, gouging out eyes of saber toothed tigers, locking arms around large objects to carry them for creating shelter and such; not for sissy ass things like buttoning the latest fashion around themselves! For the clothes tucking my advise would involve some duct tape and a style of reverse underpants tucking but screw that too! Let your personality hang outta your pants. Also, ink above your hem "I am what I am" (for added effect).

  4. I'm sitting here wondering if I'm the only one who actually just attempted to button a button with the back of my hands...just to see if I could do it.

    no luck


  5. Hahaha, yes! Invest in those pearl snap shirts. I think they are styling, and you are right, no one will notice in Texas. As a matter of fact, you might even get more compliments. As for the tucking in, I go for the shirt on first, then pants up method. That way I can tuck as I put on my pants. I feel weird for writing that, haha

  6. Just remember, the ladies like 'sausage'. Sausage fingers are better than than skinny slim jim digits.

  7. Go with the snap buttons, they can be dramatically ripped opened all at once or seductively unsnapped one by one. Being button challenged I suspect you are not the master of the seductive unbutton technique.

    As far as the tucking goes: perhaps you are long waisted?

  8. I love snap button shirts. I used to refer to them as "rape-me shirts" because they're fun to dramatically rip apart XD

    As far as buttoning yeah I'm just lazy and tucking in... ugh, I used to do that for softball and I never really developed a method that I liked. Sometimes I would just tuck the shirt up at the hem so it looked like it was tucked when it was really a pseudo-tuck.


  9. I think your tuck troubles can be attributed to your generous posterior.

    Couple solutions for buttons:

    1. Leave them buttoned and pull the shirt over like a t-shirt. Maybe slip the dry cleaner a fiver to handle the buttoning duties.

    2. Upgrade your wardrobe to include more coveralls. Zippers, baby. (This also addresses your tuck problem.)

  10. I have little delicate fingers so I have no problem with buttons of any kind or style. Seriously, my hands are tiny. It is weird because I wear size ten and a half shoes. Tucking can be a problem though. I also go with the shirt on first, pull pants over shirt method. It helps if your shirt is long enough to stay tucked. I have also found that once the untucking begins, there is little you can do to fix it. I have to go to a bathroom, pull my pants down, reposition my shirt, and pull my pants back over it. Retucking by hand out in the publics does not work.
    Funny Stuff I Write And Draw

  11. Hahaha... making me laugh this early in the day is healthy. Here's a shirt tuck tip. Put the shirt on BEFORE you pull up the pants. Then you simply pull the pant up OVER the shirt, and BAMMO SLAMMO you're all tucked.

  12. I bet your fingers would be delicious dipped in syrup

  13. I don't miss the days of dress shirt, tie, and slacks. Fortunately my job nowadays is uber casual when it comes to dress code. I feel your pain sir, from past experience.

  14. Definitely the snap buttons. But only if you wear a superman shirt underneath.