Monday, March 28, 2011

Ms. Light, Can You Hear me?

Yesterday, I drank an absurd amount of Crystal Light because we didn’t have any Coke Zero – the beverage that makes up 99.9% of my daily fluid intake. When we ran out of the Zero, I didn’t want to go all the way to the store, so it was either water or flavored water – not really a debate. I made a 2 liter jug of Crystal Light fruit punch and then proceeded to drink it for the next 4 hours as I half-ass drafted fantasy baseball teams and whole-ass watched cartoons. So, (read this in a Jerry Seinfeld voice) what’s the deal with the dye in Crystal Light? What are the people there thinking? Why do we need a dissolving powder drink that contains commercial, textile factory grade dye? Seriously, I could use Crystal Light fruit punch to fix the underarm stains on my red t-shirts. When I woke up this morning, my tongue was still red from drinking Crystal Light the day before, and I swear I brushed my teeth thoroughly the night before – I even went through the alphabet twice!

There has to be a reason for this. Why in the world would Crystal Light want her company to accidentally dye our stuff? Doesn’t she know that more dying agent is more expensive than less dying agent? Maybe Ms. Light wants to leave her mark on all of her drinkers. Maybe it’s a marketing campaign. “Oh, your tongue is red. What were you drinking? Crystal light? Is it good?” Boom! New customer.

Also, most of the Crystal Light flavors are way too strong and sweet. I can hear Wilford Brimley in my head warning me of the dangers of diabetes.

Crystal Light, won’t you just make a flavor that doesn’t taste like anything and is clear?

Thank you.


  1. I don't know if this happens to you, but Crystal Light makes my throat hurt.

    I'll just stick to regular water!

  2. I pretty much only drink Crystal Light with Vodka.

    It's excellent.


  3. Um....Try water?

    Or myabe Gatorade...Then your wife would be like "Workin' out?" and youll be like "yeah" *gulps down gatorade*

    The simple joy of spending money on drinks.

  4. I'm just trying to get over the fact that you like Coke Zero. That's just as bad as drinking Crystal Light. It's like drinking sugared Coke. And Crystal Light is about as good as drinking water with so much fake powdered sugar that it burns your esophagus. Neither of which are great drinking choices. Besides, drinks like Coke Zero, diet caffeine-free Coke, and diet Coke are all drinks for people over the age of thirty-five. Crystal Light is for people with no taste buds and low levels of sugar in their system. Not soundin' like a win-win situation there.

  5. You know...I like to drink my water with lemon wedges in it. No sugar, no calories, and the flavor is good.

    If Crystal Light made a version with no flavor and no'd just be having water.

  6. The dye is used to mark the crystal light drinkers from the rest of humanity. They're a different breed, and oftentimes dangerous. I always ask people to show me their tongue before letting them into my house.