Monday, March 21, 2011

An Open Letter to Scurriers

An Open Letter to Scurriers-

I see you walking out of the grocery store. I’m traveling at a daunting 2 mph pace and waiting to pounce at any moment as I approach from over 100 yards away from you. My slightly saggy front bumper indicates that I hit something; maybe I hit a flat-topped, middle aged lady pushing her shopping cart somewhere between the HEB exit and her car, or maybe I was backing out of my driveway and cut my wheel to fast making my low profile bumper scrape against the curb. No one knows. Ultimately, you only have one option so that I might spare your life. You must wait for me to stop and give you my benevolent approval. I will waive my hand in a broad sweeping motion signifying I have decided to let you pass.  The only payment I want in return is for you to walk nervously across the street in front of me as you imitate a panicky squirrel, checking across your shoulder four or five times to see if I changed my mind and decided to run you over. Mwahahahaha!

Scurriers, you are right to be nervous. This world is full of monsters, and one day, one of us will run you over. It’s not a matter of if but when.


The man who feels embarrassed because you hurry across the street so nervously – like you fear for your life. I mean, come on. Do you really think I’m just going to gun my car all of the sudden? Geez.


  1. Scurriers are worth twenty-five points, fifty if their hands are full, right?
    It Just Got Interesting

  2. Haha, I feel like I am such a scurrier over here. I am used to people not really waiting, or even being patient when you cross the street/parking lot. But here, the really, really (unnecessarily at times) head to the pedestrian. So as I scurry, everyone else strolls. Not real hard to pick me out of a bunch!

  3. I prefer scurriers to the arrogant glare-ers who just walk in front of your car and expect you have great breaks.

  4. I scurry because I'm trying to get across as fast as possible. This is not to make sure you don't hit me (looking nervous makes you a target) but so that you can continue your forward motion as soon as possible. It's like my way of being polite for you letting me cross first.


  5. You mean we're not 'sposed to rev our engines while they're crossing?

    This puts somewhat of a damper on my Saturday afternoons...

  6. I have to admit I'm a bit of a scurrier. Mostly because I'm embarrassed to have to walk in front of someone. They're obviously watching you and most likely making some sort of unconscious judgment. Also I feel indebted to them for letting me pass so that sort of makes me feel inferior. In order to get this humiliation over as fast as possible, I scurry. Also, I absolutely loathe those passive aggressive assholes who seem to walk SLOWER when they're in front of you. You don't walk slow when someone is waiting for you to pass. Old people excluded. An exception: I hate women with stollers in parking lots. They take scurrying to an unacceptable level. So you pooped out a living chunk of DNA. Congratulations. Don't look at me with those big, twitching squirrel eyes. I'm not going to ram into you and your little poop monster. This brings me to another point: those baby on board signs. What the hell is your point with that? Oh, there's a baby on board so I better NOT hit them?? You're not any more special than me with my paper sack filled with greasy fries and a Big Mac, ok?

  7. What if they're scurrying because they're too embarrassed to run but they don't want to make you sit and wait an obscene amount of time. In fact, I usually get frustrated and have bouts of impatience when I let someone cross in front of me and they then take 5 hours to saunter their way merrily along as if nobody else in the world has anywhere else to be and nothing needs to get done until, and only until, they are safely on the other side of the road. Scurry you miserable wretch, scurry!

  8. I'm with Jenna. I scurry so that the car waiting spends less time waiting. They were polite enough to stop, I could at least make it pay a little by not taking ten minutes.

    The only time I don't scurry is when I'm walking across and intersection on the highway. I had to wait for my turn to cross the street, and no matter how fast I walk the cars still have to wait until the light changes. So I take my time because I'm afraid if I run in heels I'll fall and hit my head and get knocked out and then nobody will help me and I will get run over when the light changes because everybody is selfish on their way to work.