Sunday, February 27, 2011

Random Notes IV

I hate when things sound like they are supposed to rhyme but don’t (there is a comedian named Brian Regan who has a bit about Dora the Explorer kind of rhyming but not – perfect example). There is a restaurant near my old apartment called Nellie’s Deli. Nellie Deli rhymes but Nellie’s Deli doesn’t. Every time I drove by it, I’d just let those words roll around my head. Why? It’s just annoying to me. There is also a store that sales ergonomic chairs and memory foam mattresses called Relax the Back. It kind of rhymes but doesn’t. It needs to change its name to Relax the Backs. Are they unaware of this? When I drive by it, I just say those words in my head over and over again. You might be thinking, well, it worked because you remember these places. Maybe they should rename these places Scrotum or Anus because I’d remember that, too. “Oh yeah, Scrotum has some great open faced roast beef sandwiches.”

The whole bathroom situation in my house is a mess. Actually, it’s the whole towel situation. My wife uses three towels every time she takes a shower, and without fail, she always takes a shower before me. Now, I’m all about saving laundry work and not using a new towel every time I shower. I imagine most people are clean when they get out of the shower, so it makes sense not to use a new one each time – just hang them up to dry. If my wife and I used new towels each time, we’d go through at least twenty-one a week. That’s an unreasonable amount of work. My problem is that she always takes a shower before me. Our towel rack really only fits three towels, so I always end up using a damp towel. I basically just smear the water off of me. I scream, “Injustice!” every day. I look forward to the day when I can use a dry towel. I’ve tried toilet paper but it’s just not the same.

I went to the store today to buy our weekly groceries. I bought the staple dinner items. I bought some different micro brewed beers (the seasonal spring time Blue Moon option and (Houston’s own) St. Arnold’s Lawnmower – both delicious). I even talked to a young woman about which beer purchases she should make. After I purchased all of the items, I left the store. As I walked out, I passed by some big reflective mirrors. My fly was down the entire time. Classic.


  1. I think it ate my very funny, long, and clever comment! Ouch.

  2. [recreation from an imperfect memory]
    You should steal the "s" from the deli and stick it on after the "Back" at the other store. That would make everything right in the world...except for the apostrophe. Maybe you can just toss that in the bushes or something.

    I don't think I would like roast beef from Scrotum. I've heard they don't wash their hands well.

    I always get damp towels too. Just smearing the moisture around at that point. Did you really try toilet paper? It sticks and doesn't come off until your skin dries. Then it falls off in your clothes, dropping out of your pants like large dandruff or dingle berries. Not that I've tried TP myself...

    I always tell people when they have hangy boogers, cheeto stains, or downed flies. I always hope karma will return the favor when it happens to me.
    Funny Stuff I Write And Draw

  3. This post made me's annoying as hell when people name things wrong! My big issue...when the add 'e' to the end of a word. Like Olde Ice Cream Shoppe'!

    I'm with Charlie up there on the eating anything from a place called Scrotum; I'd always be worried about getting hairs in my food.

    I miss Lawnmower!! It was a good beer!!!

  4. You are that creepy man at the grocery store. Imagine the story on her blog! Wait, you mean you have to wash your towels?!? New to me!

  5. I'm going to have go get the new Blue Moon since you've stuck in my brain. As for the fly, oh well, as long as you were wearing underwear...

  6. I'm with you AbsolutelyPrimed. I hate the extra e thing. I especially hate The Vitamin Shoppe. I mean really - is it like a really old vitamin shop or something? Is that why they use the faux old spelling? I also hate anything beginning with 'ye old'. The word is 'the' dumbass. That thing that looks like a 'y' is not really a 'y'. Seriously.

  7. This post seriously made me laugh. I too now have Relax the Back and Nellie's Deli stuck in my head, why do people do this?

  8. To Charlie-

    Your post made it through! The roast beef from Scrotum is excellent, and I'm with you: I always tell people when something is amiss on their person.

    To Absolutely Primed-

    That is a good one. What's the marketing strategy behind the "e"? Is there some study out there that says people like old timey things?

    To TexaGermaNadian-

    I'm not creey - just instead of the usual two layers of clothes between me and the world there was just one this time.

    To Ms Jenna-

    It's more of a wheaty beer. Good though. I like Honeymoon the best.

    To Christie-

    I never really thought about but you're right. The Vitamin Shoppe? What's that? I imagine the inside is just a bunch of wooden casks filled with vitamins and Revolutionary war vet behind the counter. Just silly.

    To Jax-

    I guess for the reason. It would be like an establishment with something spelled wrong in the title. I would never forget Burger King if it were spelled Burgr King. I'd always wonder why they did that.

  9. The almost-rhymes you describe actually come from a poetic device called assonance, where the vowel sounds within words are the same. The "eh" sounds in Nellie's Deli is just as important as the "ee" sounds at the ends of the words. That's not to say that people don't realize they're doing it wrong when they add another sound to the end of a word that throws the whole thing off balance. But you remember it because of the assonance as much as you remember it for it's not-rhyme. Just be glad it's not called Tasty Anus, because there's assonance there, too. (Oh. That's really bad. Please feel free to unpost my comments.)
    It Just Got Interesting

  10. I'm an English teacher as well, and I'm fully aware of assonance; however, I don't think there is intended assonance, just failed rhyming.

  11. English teacher who cannot control his fly or just put up another towel rack.

  12. I didn't mean to imply you don't know what assonance was. I just like to impress people with what I know. And I agree that the device is mostly unintended (it's probably hardly ever intended unless you're writing in verse, and even then, who knows?) but that doesn't mean it doesn't do it's job. :)

  13. To Brent-

    I'm sorry if I sounded rude there. You are completely right on the assonance there. So, I've never really thought about it but I must hate assonance!

  14. Totally agree with you on the not quite rhyming thing. I prefer to say Dora the Explora. It helps a little, but not much.

  15. I gotta admit, I relate to the towel thing, haha. I use 2 when I workout in the bathroom before i shower. 1 for the workout, 1 for the shower. I'm not sure why or where it started, but they do start to stack up after awhile.

  16. Johnny: I just HAD to comment on this post because you mentioned Brian Regan. He's one of my absolute favorite comedians and by merely mentioning him you went up about five levels in my estimation! Well done!

    As for the rest of the post: I agree that using more than one towel at a time is pretty overkill. If your wife is unwilling to stop using her 3 towels when she gets out of the shower, you might need to invest in a Sham-Wow. That'll get you dry, and it's small enough that you might be able to keep it away from the dampness rack. Just a suggestion...