I’ve had a tough past five days because I can’t get rid of a crick in my neck. This stiffness has caused me to walk around like Frankenstein’s monster. I have to turn my whole body to look behind me, which is a problem because I’m an overly observant person. I have to know what’s going on at all times. Unfortunately, I can’t take quick glances; there are only quick, 90 degree turns where I use my shoulders and back to turn my head to look to side of me. It’s kind of menacing because I’m a fairly big guy, and if you’re to the side of me, I’ll turn my whole body like I’m pouncing – like I goaded you to the side of me and now I’m going to get you. No, I’m not going to get you; I was just taking a sudden glance. Don’t be frightened.
On the list of annoying, low-level body ailments, the neck crick has to be up there. The worst minor body annoyances are as follows: hiccups, neck crick, canker sore, burnt palate from eating hot pizza too fast, belly hurting from wearing pants that used to fit but are too tight now. That’s the order, right there. Hiccups are the worst, and luckily, for most people they go away. I remember when I was a kid reading the Guinness Book of World Records (the book I bought annually at the school book fair because I needed to know if someone had broken the record for most underwater pogo jumps. Phew, Ashrita Furman still has the record.), that someone had the hiccups for 97 years! He hiccuped up to, like, 30 times a minute his whole life. How do you not kill yourself? I know that sounds bad, but that’s an effin nightmare.
Wake up. Hiccup.
“Will you – hiccup – marry me?”
“I’m going to – hiccup – be a father?”
“Can I – hiccup – buy that – hiccup – shotgun?”
“No – hiccup – just one – hiccup – bullet.”
I’m just kidding! He didn’t kill himself; he lived to be 97. He saw all sorts of great things throughout his life, but he hiccuped the whole time.
I don’t know about you, but the reason why these annoyances are so bad is because I constantly mess with them. When I have a canker sore, I rub my tongue across it even if it makes my eyes water. Same thing goes with a burnt palate. I play with the little piece of dead skin hanging down from the roof of my mouth until it falls off and goes down to my tummy. Even today, I stretched my neck, not to soothe, but to remind myself where it hurts. I was even chopping at different parts of my neck to find all the places it hurt. I found it, and I’ve been poking it ever since. I’m going to poke and chop it out of my freakin’ neck.
That would be terrible to be hiccuping all the time.
ReplyDeleteI want to replace the belly ache from too-tight pants with a hangnail. Darn things, the more you chew on them the worse they get. They snag on things, rub against your other fingers, constantly reminding you "I'm here! I'm here!" Pretty soon you've got your whole finger-tip throbbing because you've gnawed the skin to the bone in a fruitless effort to rid yourself of a little loose cuticle.
ReplyDeleteTo Zoe-
ReplyDeleteWord, Zoe. Word.
To Ms. Jenna-
I think that's a lady thing. My wife gets them, too, and she completely agrees with you. I bite my nails like an animal and I never get them. Perhaps you should start a' gnawing.
The hiccups suck. But a neck crick is probably worse because it's actual pain. I had one the other day but thankfully it worked itself out through the course of the day.
ReplyDeleteIf it had lasted for days I probably would have slammed my head in the car door.
SD
TheSimpleDude.com
I went home from school once because I had a crick in my neck. Everyone thought I was being a big baby, but it hurt and I could barely move. I'm also hyper observant, so I kept making it worse. Much better just to go home and sleep my nyquil dreams.
ReplyDeleteYou should make loud screaming noises as you turn suddenly on people...and record it for us. That would make me happy.
*Johnny Utah turns on unsuspecting person, "Aaaaaaah! Johnny not like fire!" Unsuspecting person wets himself. Charlie laughs until he also wets himself.*
If the hiccups were anything like my brother's, someone would have taken care of the problem for him.
Funny Stuff I Write
I want to add but I don't know what it is called: you bite the inside of your mouth and you get a swollen spot. Then (if you are say a gum chewer, which I am) you get biting it over and over.
ReplyDeleteOh and popcorn skin in my gums. Awful.
To Simple Dude-
ReplyDeleteA crick in the neck is worse than a door head slamming.
To Pulsipher-
You get what I'm saying! Word!
To Life's Highway-
That happens to me too! I bit my tongue once, and when it was swollen, I kept biting it. Look up Weight Control Problem Part II.
I hate hiccups, they're incredibly painful for me. But I definitely know about the antagonizing the pain thing. I kind of like that...
ReplyDelete-E
Nearly every single time I get a case of the hiccups, I think of those poor, perpetually hiccuping people and then for the five minutes I have the hiccups I'm convinced that they will never leave. I usually end up bargaining with God, but then they go away and I forget about it until it happens again.
ReplyDelete