I’ve had a tough past five days because I can’t get rid of a crick in my neck. This stiffness has caused me to walk around like Frankenstein’s monster. I have to turn my whole body to look behind me, which is a problem because I’m an overly observant person. I have to know what’s going on at all times. Unfortunately, I can’t take quick glances; there are only quick, 90 degree turns where I use my shoulders and back to turn my head to look to side of me. It’s kind of menacing because I’m a fairly big guy, and if you’re to the side of me, I’ll turn my whole body like I’m pouncing – like I goaded you to the side of me and now I’m going to get you. No, I’m not going to get you; I was just taking a sudden glance. Don’t be frightened.
On the list of annoying, low-level body ailments, the neck crick has to be up there. The worst minor body annoyances are as follows: hiccups, neck crick, canker sore, burnt palate from eating hot pizza too fast, belly hurting from wearing pants that used to fit but are too tight now. That’s the order, right there. Hiccups are the worst, and luckily, for most people they go away. I remember when I was a kid reading the Guinness Book of World Records (the book I bought annually at the school book fair because I needed to know if someone had broken the record for most underwater pogo jumps. Phew, Ashrita Furman still has the record.), that someone had the hiccups for 97 years! He hiccuped up to, like, 30 times a minute his whole life. How do you not kill yourself? I know that sounds bad, but that’s an effin nightmare.
Wake up. Hiccup.
“Will you – hiccup – marry me?”
“I’m going to – hiccup – be a father?”
“Can I – hiccup – buy that – hiccup – shotgun?”
“No – hiccup – just one – hiccup – bullet.”
I’m just kidding! He didn’t kill himself; he lived to be 97. He saw all sorts of great things throughout his life, but he hiccuped the whole time.
I don’t know about you, but the reason why these annoyances are so bad is because I constantly mess with them. When I have a canker sore, I rub my tongue across it even if it makes my eyes water. Same thing goes with a burnt palate. I play with the little piece of dead skin hanging down from the roof of my mouth until it falls off and goes down to my tummy. Even today, I stretched my neck, not to soothe, but to remind myself where it hurts. I was even chopping at different parts of my neck to find all the places it hurt. I found it, and I’ve been poking it ever since. I’m going to poke and chop it out of my freakin’ neck.