An Open Letter to Teens

Teenagers-

To start, will you take the earbuds out of your ear? You can listen to whatever crappy, empty, soulless music you’re listening to later. I mean, what’s your problem? You’re listening to it like it’s going away. The music will still be there when you come back to it later. That’s the beauty of an iPod – the music stays inside of it; they have a built in dam that keeps the music from seeping away. Also, if I see one more of you listening to your iPod at a restaurant while you’re eating dinner with your parents, I’m going to lose it. You can’t take them out for an hour to talk to your parents? I was a teenager once and I understand what it’s like to not be overly social with your parents, but listening to music while you eat is just disrespectful. If I see one of you doing that again, I’m going to walk over to your table, rip the earbuds from your ears, and put your Caesar Salad on top of your dipshit, Justin Beiber haircut – I will also stuff the rest of your food in mouth and politely bow to you parents. 

I don’t think that you get how anti-social it makes you all look. You can’t carry on a conversation without one? I see you all at school with one earbud in, trying to carry on a conversation with someone else who has one earbud in. Do you not see how freakin’ ridiculous this is? I doubt either of you can understand each other. One of you is trying to sell the other some crystal meth and the other is trying to coordinate a group burglary. Get on the same page people – these crimes won’t commit themselves! (Ok, I know not all kids are criminals, so here is a revised line for the good kids. One of you is trying to sell some magazine subscriptions to get enough money to join the big soap box derby and the other is trying to set up a carpool to go to Young life. Get on the same page people – these random acts of cuteness won’t just happen themselves!) 

Teens, lets rap. You don’t have to want to hang out with your parents, but they paid for that damn dinner. You at least owe them the courtesy of not talking to them while not listening to music. You can just stare down at your plate, answer the questions with monosyllabic grunts, and just continue to dress like an overall teen dipshit. No, no, no, don’t talk. Interjecting any of your own political beliefs into the conversation would be terrible because you don’t have any educated thoughts. You’ve been listening to your iPod in social studies. If the conversation turns to wearing your gym shorts 24/7 or UFC, you can pipe in. You’re just like Eliza Dootlittle the first time Henry Higgins brought her… er… oh yeah, iPod in English class, too. 

I hope you have a better sense of who you are now. At some point in your life, you will takes those earbuds out and probably reflect on your youth and feel slightly embarrassed. It’s ok – I was a jerk, too. I’m just trying to help you out. Just think about it. We’d love for you to join our little society here if you would just take the earbuds out first. Until those earbuds come out, you will be looked at with the intense fury of a thousand suns by the likes of me and everyone else who isn’t a teen.

Warm Regards,

Johnny Utah

P.S. Here's you, mouth agape and all: