Sunday, February 6, 2011

An Open Letter to Teens


To start, will you take the earbuds out of your ear? You can listen to whatever crappy, empty, soulless music you’re listening to later. I mean, what’s your problem? You’re listening to it like it’s going away. The music will still be there when you come back to it later. That’s the beauty of an iPod – the music stays inside of it; they have a built in dam that keeps the music from seeping away. Also, if I see one more of you listening to your iPod at a restaurant while you’re eating dinner with your parents, I’m going to lose it. You can’t take them out for an hour to talk to your parents? I was a teenager once and I understand what it’s like to not be overly social with your parents, but listening to music while you eat is just disrespectful. If I see one of you doing that again, I’m going to walk over to your table, rip the earbuds from your ears, and put your Caesar Salad on top of your dipshit, Justin Beiber haircut – I will also stuff the rest of your food in mouth and politely bow to you parents. 

I don’t think that you get how anti-social it makes you all look. You can’t carry on a conversation without one? I see you all at school with one earbud in, trying to carry on a conversation with someone else who has one earbud in. Do you not see how freakin’ ridiculous this is? I doubt either of you can understand each other. One of you is trying to sell the other some crystal meth and the other is trying to coordinate a group burglary. Get on the same page people – these crimes won’t commit themselves! (Ok, I know not all kids are criminals, so here is a revised line for the good kids. One of you is trying to sell some magazine subscriptions to get enough money to join the big soap box derby and the other is trying to set up a carpool to go to Young life. Get on the same page people – these random acts of cuteness won’t just happen themselves!

Teens, lets rap. You don’t have to want to hang out with your parents, but they paid for that damn dinner. You at least owe them the courtesy of not talking to them while not listening to music. You can just stare down at your plate, answer the questions with monosyllabic grunts, and just continue to dress like an overall teen dipshit. No, no, no, don’t talk. Interjecting any of your own political beliefs into the conversation would be terrible because you don’t have any educated thoughts. You’ve been listening to your iPod in social studies. If the conversation turns to wearing your gym shorts 24/7 or UFC, you can pipe in. You’re just like Eliza Dootlittle the first time Henry Higgins brought her… er… oh yeah, iPod in English class, too. 

I hope you have a better sense of who you are now. At some point in your life, you will takes those earbuds out and probably reflect on your youth and feel slightly embarrassed. It’s ok – I was a jerk, too. I’m just trying to help you out. Just think about it. We’d love for you to join our little society here if you would just take the earbuds out first. Until those earbuds come out, you will be looked at with the intense fury of a thousand suns by the likes of me and everyone else who isn’t a teen.

Warm Regards,
Johnny Utah

P.S. Here's you, mouth agape and all:


  1. Okay, I can understand listening to music as you walk down the street and ride the bus...but seriously? At a dinner in a restaurant? That is just sacrilege in France. Mealtimes are the moment to *talk* to people...

    -Barb the French Bean

  2. So true! I feel the same way about adults who constantly have their bluetooth-beam-me-up-Scotty things in their ears. I had a guy sit two rows in front of me in a movie theater with his blinking a blue light every four seconds. If he hadn't left halfway through as he answered a phone call and talked loudly the whole way out, I would have force fed him the blinking thing.
    Funny Stuff I Write

  3. To Barb-

    I'm with you. My parents would have never allowed this to happen. it's just lazy, uninterested parenting. To be fair, in France the kids might not be listening to music but they have BO. :)

    To Charlie-

    I imagine the kids at the restaurants listening to the their iPods have parents talking on Bluetooths. The same parents who think it is okay to talk on the phone while ordering food at a fast food place or checking out at a convenience store or on an airplane.

  4. Hahaha.Awesome dude..Awesome writeup..
    So true...So true..
    Yeah..I see people like that everywhere..and they call themselves the iGeneration.

    ....If I see one of you doing that again, I’m going to walk over to your table, rip the earbuds from your ears, and put your Caesar Salad on top of your dipshit, Justin Beiber haircut – I will also stuff the rest of your food in mouth and politely bow to you parents. ....

    Was visualizin it and had me in laughing out loud.
    firs time here..really enjoyed your post!

  5. It must have been nice to be a parent 20 years ago. Boom boxes were just too damn big to carry everywhere so they didn't have this problem. Well, except for the few jackass' that carried them on their shoulder. That's a topic for Dr. Phil, though.

  6. Since I'm a teen, I go totally go against at. But then again.. I love classical music (make that creepy teen) and I don't have a frikin' ipod. and sorcerer, if u dare giving me caesar salad, i will slap you. I hate cheese. End of answer/question/comment/orwhateverthiswas.

  7. Chillax dude...don't bein' a wangsta. I din't hear you fo shiz...let me unhooks this 'bud.

    My bad...Don't be h8tr dawg. I, like, just downloaded this tight jam & it's just dope for realz! realz you should chillax and get crunk on this hardcore jam!

  8. AMEN! I actually do rip out the ear buds when I see them, as a teacher I get away with that sort of things. I also like to employ public humiliation. I might not be able to beat their buns red but I can make them blush like a tomato to my heart's content.

  9. ok.

    hold the phone.

    i actually read your blog all the way through.

    i don't ever read blogs all the way through cus they are mostly, lame sauce.

    this is call for celebration. and possibly some Blunt props.

    stay tuned.

  10. As a teacher, I have discovered that the appropriate response when an adult asks a teenager to remove the ear bud (I've been sent to the principal's office because I chose to do it manually once, Ms. Jenna) is either: "The music is turned off," as if I knew that already or that it matters at all, or "Oh, I forgot it was there," as if you could forget that there is a piece of plastic stuck in your ear.
    It Just Got Interesting

  11. To Zoe-

    No, you're so true. Your new nickname is The Truth.

    To Sorcerer-

    I don't really have a response other than your username is money. Sorcerer just works.

    To Jennie-

    Yeah, could you imagine some kid with bear clawz in his flat top hair listening to a boom box at the dinner table? Totally a Beastie Boys video.

    To Kat-

    I wasn't trying to insult all teens - just the ones with ear buds in at the din-din table.

    To Absolutely Primed-

    Ha! I can tell that you're not a teenager by that text. :)

    To Ms. Jenna-

    Yeah, rip them out like Mola Ram did the other Indian dude's heart in Indian Jones and the Temple of Doom!

    To Blunt Delivery-

    I have trouble reading all of blogs, too! Where that pictures at, homie?

    To Brent-

    My kids don't even make excuses. Freakin' seniors.

  12. So Denny shouldn't go with The Beiber when I get shorn Friday?

  13. Is it okay if I put this on all my syllabi for every class I ever teach from now on?