Advice to College Guys

According to WebMD, “The most common symptom of acute bronchitis is a cough that is dry and hacking at first. After a few days, the cough may bring up mucus. You may have a low fever and feel tired.” You will thank me for this later college guys.

When I was in college, I began having these symptoms. Because I didn’t know how to go to the doctor in college, I went to the emergency room. I went to the emergency room any time anything was wrong. In Austin, I literally lived across the street from St. David’s Hospital, so what the hell, right? You can’t beat the convenience. That is all beside the point (whoa… by the way… there is a huge debate online whether to use beside or bedsides there); the doctor saw me, quickly determined I had bronchitis, and sent me on my way with a prescription with only a mild scolding for wasting the hospital’s time and resources.

I went to the nearest pharmacy and got my prescription filled. The lady behind the counter said, “Just pour the powder into some hot water and drink it. You should better pretty quickly.” She then handed me a box marked: Chlamydia.

I said, “Uh, I don’t have Chlamydia. I have bronchitis. There must be some mistake.”

“You kind of look like a scum bag, so I thought you might need it,” she said with her eyes.

“Oh, yeah, the same medicine is used to treat both ailments. It’ll work,” she really said.

I took the box and made a beeline for my apartment, being ultra-careful not to run into anyone I knew (especially my then girlfriend who lived in the apartment across the hall. “Oh, what’s this box with Chlamydia written across the front? It’s for my lungs. Don’t worry about it.”). Ultimately, I took the medicine without running in to anyone or having any problems, and my bronchitis cleared up pretty quickly soon thereafter. The moral of this story is if you’re a scumbag, a loose woman, or just have discharge coming from your penis or rectum, memorize the symptoms at the top of this page. If you do a good job of faking it, you can get out of that pinch without the embarrassment of an anal probe.

P.S. I thought Chlamydia and crabs were the same thing, so I had a bunch of crab puns all throughout my post. “If you’re in a pinch…” It turns out that they are not the same. There appears to be quite a bit more oozing with Chlamydia.