Thursday, February 10, 2011

A Pair of Doughy, Cheesy Jugs

On February 13th, five or six years ago, I ordered a pizza for dinner. It was a delicious, pepperoni pizza – Papa Johns if I’m not mistaken. At this point in my life, I had been dating Wife for a year or two, but she didn’t live with me. I lived with my friend, Dickmar, who was out working in the oil fields. For some reason the next day, Valentine’s Day, I was home alone and not at work. I don’t think it was a weekend. It could have been one of the weird random holidays teachers get off work like Bastille Day or maybe I just took the day off simply because I felt like it. Regardless, I was sitting in my apartment watching Sportscenter when a pizza man came to my door. 

Pizza man (A middle eastern man – and before you start reading this in an Apu (from The Simpsons, yeah, that Apu) voice, I wrote MIDDLE EASTERN man): Here is your pizza.

Me (adjusting my shorts because I just put them on): Uh, I didn’t order a pizza.

Pizza man: This pizza is for you.

Me (confused look on my face): I ordered a pizza last night. I ate it already.

Pizza man (somehow patient): This is a new pizza for you. Sign here (he hands me a credit receipt).

Me: I ordered a pizza last night! I already ate it. I don’t want another one.

Pizza man (shoves the pizza into my arms and walks off)

Me: I better not get charged again or my girlfriend will call your manager!

I brought the pizza in and decided to make the best out of a bad situation. I opened the box and noticed that the pizza was misshapen; it looked like a naughty cake, like an ass or a pair of breasts, and I thought, What the hell? They just brought a misshapen pizza to my apartment. What’s going on? I hope there is nothing wrong with it, as I swallowed my first bite.

Soon thereafter, my phone buzzed and it was Wife (I hope this isn’t confusing to you – she was Girlfriend then). She asked what I was up to, and I told her about my zany adventures with the pizza man coming again today. I told her that I told him that my girlfriend would sure let him have it if he charged me twice. She said in her usual, peppy voice, “Happy Valentine’s Day! You got the pizza I ordered for you!”

It all made sense now. Duh, she got the pizza for me because she knows how much I enjoy eating. What a nice girlfriend! After we laughed about my confusion, I told her how they messed up the pizza and how it was shaped like a pair of doughy, cheesy jugs. She said, “Really? It was supposed to be shaped like a heart.”

I spun it around. Oh, yeah, it does look like a heart. 



  1. Aw! That was really sweet of her. That poor delivery gave him a hard time when he was trying to deliver your gift without giving it away! I hope it gave you a greater appreciation for the pizza delivery field.

    That must be your dog! A model if I ever saw one. Look, the puppy is posing!

  2. Bahaha that's awesome! That's what Valentine's Day is all about.

  3. Hahaha, why is it that hearts always end up looking like naughty bits? I have a cookie press and the disc that is supposed to makes hearts fails every time. It always comes out looking like male genitalia. Of course this means I am the official cookie-maker for every bachelorette party.

  4. Oh you boys! Ya'll never get it, do ya, haha. Just kidding. What a sweet thought from your girlfriend/wife.
    The hubs would KILL for a pizza right now, a good American (wait, Italian?) pie. But I have to admit, we are Little Caesar fans :)

  5. Hahahahah....This is killing me!! Doughy, cheesy jugs will be in my brain all day thanks.

    Weird but I'm actually having heart shaped pizza on Monday...same as last year. I'll take a picture just for you!!

  6. How Romantic!

    I want a doughy cheesy juggy pizza...


  7. So cute! And may I add, shaped like things are always better than food shaped like themselves.

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  9. For some reason this post made me think of these cookies I saw the other day. Here

    Poor pizza guy must hate his job as everyone argues with him about their unordered mishaped pizzas.
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