Thursday, February 10, 2011

A Pair of Doughy, Cheesy Jugs

On February 13th, five or six years ago, I ordered a pizza for dinner. It was a delicious, pepperoni pizza – Papa Johns if I’m not mistaken. At this point in my life, I had been dating Wife for a year or two, but she didn’t live with me. I lived with my friend, Dickmar, who was out working in the oil fields. For some reason the next day, Valentine’s Day, I was home alone and not at work. I don’t think it was a weekend. It could have been one of the weird random holidays teachers get off work like Bastille Day or maybe I just took the day off simply because I felt like it. Regardless, I was sitting in my apartment watching Sportscenter when a pizza man came to my door. 

Pizza man (A middle eastern man – and before you start reading this in an Apu (from The Simpsons, yeah, that Apu) voice, I wrote MIDDLE EASTERN man): Here is your pizza.

Me (adjusting my shorts because I just put them on): Uh, I didn’t order a pizza.

Pizza man: This pizza is for you.

Me (confused look on my face): I ordered a pizza last night. I ate it already.

Pizza man (somehow patient): This is a new pizza for you. Sign here (he hands me a credit receipt).

Me: I ordered a pizza last night! I already ate it. I don’t want another one.

Pizza man (shoves the pizza into my arms and walks off)

Me: I better not get charged again or my girlfriend will call your manager!

I brought the pizza in and decided to make the best out of a bad situation. I opened the box and noticed that the pizza was misshapen; it looked like a naughty cake, like an ass or a pair of breasts, and I thought, What the hell? They just brought a misshapen pizza to my apartment. What’s going on? I hope there is nothing wrong with it, as I swallowed my first bite.

Soon thereafter, my phone buzzed and it was Wife (I hope this isn’t confusing to you – she was Girlfriend then). She asked what I was up to, and I told her about my zany adventures with the pizza man coming again today. I told her that I told him that my girlfriend would sure let him have it if he charged me twice. She said in her usual, peppy voice, “Happy Valentine’s Day! You got the pizza I ordered for you!”

It all made sense now. Duh, she got the pizza for me because she knows how much I enjoy eating. What a nice girlfriend! After we laughed about my confusion, I told her how they messed up the pizza and how it was shaped like a pair of doughy, cheesy jugs. She said, “Really? It was supposed to be shaped like a heart.”

I spun it around. Oh, yeah, it does look like a heart. 

Huh.


9 comments:

  1. Aw! That was really sweet of her. That poor delivery man...you gave him a hard time when he was trying to deliver your gift without giving it away! I hope it gave you a greater appreciation for the pizza delivery field.

    That must be your dog! A model if I ever saw one. Look, the puppy is posing!

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  2. Bahaha that's awesome! That's what Valentine's Day is all about.

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  3. Hahaha, why is it that hearts always end up looking like naughty bits? I have a cookie press and the disc that is supposed to makes hearts fails every time. It always comes out looking like male genitalia. Of course this means I am the official cookie-maker for every bachelorette party.

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  4. Oh you boys! Ya'll never get it, do ya, haha. Just kidding. What a sweet thought from your girlfriend/wife.
    The hubs would KILL for a pizza right now, a good American (wait, Italian?) pie. But I have to admit, we are Little Caesar fans :)

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  5. Hahahahah....This is killing me!! Doughy, cheesy jugs will be in my brain all day thanks.

    Weird but I'm actually having heart shaped pizza on Monday...same as last year. I'll take a picture just for you!!

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  6. How Romantic!

    I want a doughy cheesy juggy pizza...

    -E

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  7. So cute! And may I add, shaped like things are always better than food shaped like themselves.

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  9. For some reason this post made me think of these cookies I saw the other day. Here

    Poor pizza guy must hate his job as everyone argues with him about their unordered mishaped pizzas.
    Funny Stuff I Write And Draw

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