Monday, September 13, 2010

Reckless and Too Hard

I am reckless and do things too hard. Not in a James Dean do drugs and run a car off a cliff way but in a normal people don’t do that kind of way (I think there should by hyphens in there but that seems like too much work). I have a huge problem with my tooth brushing skills. I know it’s weird for a grown man to say this, but I apparently don’t do it right. I’m pretty sure my parents and elementary school taught me how to brush correctly, but at some point, I took it upon myself to do it my way. I brush my teeth so hard that a toothbrush doesn’t last longer than a month. I brush so hard that the bristles turn sideways far too quickly. In a month, my toothbrush looks like Keanu Reeve’s hair in Parenthood. My toothbrush ends up with a “butt cut.” I get to a point where I’m using mostly the plastic of the brush along with the bottom of the bristles to brush my teeth.

The bigger brushing problem I have is doing it too hard. It is an all too common occurrence for me to wake up and think to myself, hmmm, the back of my gums hurt. I basically pound the back of my mouth with the tip of my brush. Does this happen to anyone else? Am I just too aggressive for this activity? I think I am. Sometimes I take out my contacts with so much gusto that I poke my eye. You’d think that after 17 years of wearing contacts that I’d have mastered this. Nope, not me.

Another big problem I’m having right now is with my left forearm. I think I have tendinitis in it. I have trouble lifting the heavy pan out of the cupboard sometimes. I have to use both hands to pull it out. I was carrying my grade book the other day and it slowly slipped from my fingers because my forearm hurt too much. “Have you been lifting too much weight?” you might ask, or “Do you have an old football injury?” No, I played 2 years of middle school football, and I doubt the residual effects of those strenuous years are coming back to haunt me now. My arm hurts from playing and sucking at golf. I swing too hard ALL of the time, and because I suck, I slam the face of the club into the dirt 90% of the time. I played golf 3-4 times a week this summer; in that time, I shredded my forearm. My left arm exists for symmetry alone. It is completely useless. I can point to things on the fast food menu and push buttons on the remote with it. It’s all because I am reckless and do things too hard.

I know what you’re thinking: one problem might solve the other problem. I’ve tried my weak left arm, and it isn’t strong enough to brush my teeth. I’m stuck with either bruising the back of my mouth with my right hand or doing a less than adequate job with my left. I’m will sacrifice myself for others and save them from stinky breath. You don’t have to thank me; consider it a public service.

The last problem I’ve been having this past week is utter recklessness with my chewing skills. I bit the right, inner side of my lip this past weekend, and it’s become a bit of a problem. I bit it on Sunday. I bit it again later on Sunday and drew blood. I bit it this morning and drew blood. So far today, I’ve bit it 5 times and counting. I was eating at Subway tonight and I bit it TWICE while I was eating my sandwich!

Interesting side note: I usually order the same thing at Subway. 12 inch white with ham and cheese. I’ve gotten into this nice, gluttonous acceptance of my tubby reality where I order extra mayonnaise. Usually, they put two lines of mayo on my sandwich, and lately, I’ve been asking for two more lines. I like Subway mayo; it tastes better than my house mayo. Today, the girl let me have it. She put 6 lines on it. I was thinking that’s a lot. From the first bite to the last bite, I gagged every time. It was too much mayo. So you have to imagine, I’m gagging on this sandwich (don’t even suggest not eating it) and wiping blood from my mouth. Sort of messed up.

I need to change my reckless/too hard ways. I’m destroying myself one bruise, torn tendon, poked eye and gnarled piece of lip at a time. What’s next clipping my toenails too far so they bleed… more often? Breaking one more toe running into a wall… more often? It just needs to end.


  1. I also brush my teeth with a mangled brush. I get the job done in half the time of a normal person, but I sometimes jam the head of the brush into the side of my mouth. It's worth it-- I save like 30 seconds twice a day.

    Don't even consider switching hands. Unless you're some sort of bi-handed freak, using your off-hand is like trying to use the controller on a PS3. Two joysticks? Come on!

  2. What's with you boys and your over-zealous tooth brushing? It clearly runs in the family because Nate does it too. It's no wonder our son cries every time it's Daddy's turn to brush his teeth. Ease up, both of you!

    Also, the mayo? The EXTRA mayo? Ew ew ew ew!