Wednesday, September 22, 2010


I am sick. I get sick every year around this time, and every time I get sick, I think it’s allergies. I’m not sure what it feels like to have allergies because I never had problems with them as a kid. It’s sort of a new thing to me, so I just confuse it with a cold or flu. This problem is actually just one example of a much bigger problem. I’m not very good at distinguishing problems with my body – even simple ones.
It happens all the time that I confuse hunger and thirst. I feel my stomach growl and assume the problem is hunger. I mean, it’s me, right? The first step is to find some food that is more than I want to eat. I’ve heard that it takes the human body a bit of time to realize it’s full, so I eat a whole bunch because I figure that the more I eat the faster this process will be. After a pound of almonds or a cup of hummus, I realize that I’m not hungry. Ah ha! I must be thirsty. This means I need to drink a few Coke Zeros. I feel like the carbonation really helps the liquid spread through my body more effectively. The bubbles make it flow up to my head, right? My head needs water, too. No, seriously, I’ve had nothing but milk and Gatorade today. I read somewhere once that milk is a great thing to drink for a hangover because it hydrates your body quickly – being sick seems like a good time to drink milk then.
I also haven’t really had anything to eat today. I ordered a pizza but only ate 2 slices – all day! That’s always the hidden benefit of being sick; it’s an automatic 5 lbs off. That means whenever I get healthy again, I can go eat whatever I want. I deserve it, right? It’s a shame because I was gung-ho about going to the gym this week. Now, it’s all for naught.
Well, on the bright side, I did sleep for at least 12 hours today and took two baths – though baths are gross. I don’t even understand how they work. How do you wash your nether regions or just the body parts that are underwater? It just doesn’t make sense. As soon as I rub the soap bar on my body, the soapy film just floats up. To further compound the problem, I’m a fairly big guy, and if I lay flat on my back in our tub, it’s only the length of my shoulders to my knees. This morning I was promptly reminded when I took a bath how tight of a squeeze the tub is for me, but I heroically tried to wash thoroughly (By the way, this is absolutely necessary because I sweat quite a bit when I sleep on a normal night, so imagine when I’m sick). I did a belly up, face plant London Bridge type of thing, so I could get my belly and thighs. Then the true feat was an upside down London Bridge – a Superman, I believe it’s called. It didn’t work – quickly. The only place that got clean was my face, and even that is questionable. I imagine there is a layer of dry soap all over my body, and the shampoo I used is just clumped up in my hair. As you can imagine, it didn’t work out too well. I’ve got a few new aches and pains too.
As you can tell, I don’t have anything funny to say. I’m sick. Sick people are supposed to be serious. I’m going to play Starcraft until it’s bed time and get SERIOUS on some Zerg. By the way, my wife is out of town again, so not only am I sick, I’m paranoid. How’s this supposed to work? I can barely keep my bloodshot eyes open to watch TV, and I’m supposed to keep one of them open for male rapists! Also, Meet the Browns is on TV in the other room. It’s going to be a long night.

1 comment:

  1. Given your quite attractive account of your body washing skills, I bet a male rapist is not in your future.

    I am assuming your prescription for being on the sick side is a soak in the tub as opposed to a shower. Perhaps you should rethink that theory.