About Last Night, Part I

 

I’ve mentioned before that I think I would have less trouble killing a person than killing a vicious animal, say a wolf. In Texas, I think it’s accurate to say that most people hunt or have hunted in their life, and I don’t see anything wrong with that. My brother-in-law is an avid hunter and I’m cool with that. All I’m saying is that I would have trouble hunting, killing, and gutting something. On the other hand, I can eat steak all day. I don’t find this hypocritical because while I don’t want to kill and gut an animal, eating it is a different story. I look at meat like paper. Paper is something entirely different from a tree to me. Trees are the nuisances in my yard, crapping leaves all over the place. Paper allows me to doodle and draw pictures of eyeballs. Two different things. The same thing goes with meat; I see a delicious steak and not a cow eating grass in a meadow. I guess it’s an ignorance-is-bliss kind of mindset.

My whole point in creating that set up is to introduce this conversation I had with 4 of my friends last night. Obviously, I didn’t have a court stenographer taking notes so this is how I remember the conversation a few pints in.

This starts in mid-conversation.

Dickmar: Johnny, is the one who said he’d kill a person over an animal.

Me: Yeah, I’d have no trouble killing a man coming at me with a knife with murderous intentions versus a wolf with the same intentions – sans the knife – if I only had one bullet.

Pajamas (Dickmar’s wife): You couldn’t take a wolf. They’re really big.

Me: No way. They’re like dogs. I think I could take a dog. My pugs are pretty east to outwrestle.

Pajamas: Wolfs are just slightly smaller than lions. Do you think you could take a lion?

Me: Lions are really big. There is no way I could take a lion but wolves aren’t that big.

Pajamas: A lion is like 500 lbs, so I bet a wolf is like 300 lbs.

Me: No way. 300 lbs is a little less than Shaq. There is no way a wolf is that big.

Pajamas get out her iPhone and looks it up. According to the omniscient phone, wolves range from 80 lbs to 120 lbs.

Me: See, they aren’t that big. I’m 250 lbs, so I could easily take an 80 lb animal. I would shoot the man and then let the wolf bite my arm and then punch it on the top of its head (I motion with one forearm out and my fist making a punching motion across the top of it).

Pajamas: Wolves hunt in packs. You’d have to take the whole pack.

Me: That’s not the scenario: one wolf, one man.

Pajamas: Well, they hunt in packs so what would you do?

This is where my memory of the conversation starts to veer off from reality. I’m pretty sure this was said but not necessarily in these words.

Me: After killing the first wolf, I’d wear it’s carcass as a cape and smear its blood on my face. When the other wolves see this, they would know that I am the new pack leader. As pack leader, I would find the most nubile she-wolf… (Stopping, as to not reveal too much of my iron fisted plans of wolf pack domination or rather just to not embarrass myself any further – it’s still up in the air).

Me: Where are you getting this information about wolves and their fighting abilities, anyway?

Pajamas: Twilight.

Me: Who do you think is better looking Jacob or Edward?

Pajamas: Jacob

Me: Really? Jacob’s nose is weird looking, and the cut off jean shorts and long hair just look ridiculous.

Dickmar (staunch, unblemished record of heterosexuality): As you’ve gotten older, have you gotten into conversations with your wife about which Hollywood hunks are the best looking?

Part II of this important conversation will be concluded tomorrow.