About Last Night, Part II

The last post ended with my friend, Dickmar, asking my other buddy, Ballsey, and I if we ever got into conversations with our respective significant others about whether or not certain male celebrities were good looking. It’s interesting because this has been a conversation my wife and I have been having for years, and I think it’s been going on with all the other couples in my group of friends as well.

One of my friends put it best. When he was in high school, he had a conversation with one of his best friends and he said, “How can girls find boys attractive? I think you’re ugly.”

Friend responds, “I think you’re ugly, too.”

As I’ve gotten older, I’ve tried to understand the reasoning. Why are women attracted to men? Men can be gross, hairy, and stinky – well, at least I am. Actually, I’m not hairy, which was a curse as a kid but a blessing as an adult. Boo-yah! Women don’t like monkey men! Conversely, I get lesbians. Women are soft and nice. They wear make-up and smell good. What’s not to love? So what do women see in men? When I ask my wife, she says things like, “You make me laugh,” or “You’re sweet.” The last time I checked, those aren’t physical qualities – unless, she’s saying she’s attracted to me because I’m funny looking. “You’re chubby face is sexually attractive to me.” I want cold, hard reasons. Your belly, while not a six pack, is solid. Your eyes are the same green as the Green Lantern’s ring. Your hair is like rabbit fur. I could translate that to other men. “Oh, my wife probably thinks Ron Howard is cute because his hair feels like rabbit fur.”

I ask my wife quite frequently if she thinks this actor is hot or that musician is attractive. She always seems indifferent to these questions and humors me with a short, unsatisfactory answer. I get Brad Pitt is a good looking guy, but what exactly is it? I could give detailed, point-by-point explanations why I think Mila Kunis is attractive, which I’m sure Wife appreciates.

One of the examples we came up with is Ryan Reynolds. All of the men agreed that he was good looking, but the reasons why were because he’s ripped up and funny. Those aren’t really reasons to think someone is good looking. Carrot Top is pretty jacked and… I guess I just found the hole in my logic: he’s not funny.

Josh Duhamel was the next example. We, again, agreed that he is handsome. We had a harder problem coming up with why we knew him. Someone suggested that maybe we knew him because he was married to Fergie. I think that’s it. He’s married to a pop star in one of the worst bands to ever be inflicted on the American public. Regardless, what separates him from a soap opera star? I mean, is he any more handsome than Jason from General Hospital? Also, he’s a thin, athletic guy, but really if anyone worked hard enough they could be thin and athletic looking. How is he different than Sam Cassell or Dante Bachette? *Note: These are funny references. Look ‘em up.

Justin Timberlake was another example. He’s a ripped up guy, true, but why would one say he’s better looking than say, Nathan Lane (if he finally got in the gym! I mean, right? Who doesn’t want to see a taut Nathan Lane?)? By the way, I was reading a Rolling Stone article about him a couple of years ago when FutureSex/LoveSounds came out, and he said his goal was to be considered the David Bowie of this time period. What?!? I couldn’t think of two people that are more different. One played trippy music and reinvented himself time and time again before that was common place. JT is an ‘N Syncer from the Disney Channel with an urban accent (for some reason) – just a little different. Also, David Bowie plays several instruments. How can we consider one sexy who’s a musical fraud? *I will concede he could be a good actor.

I’ve asked my wife multiple times if she thinks Michael Jordan is attractive, which she does not. I think if I were a woman I’d think he’s hot. He’s the greatest basketball player ever. On top of being the best, he’s super rich with a Hitler mustache. Outside of the box, baby!

I don’t get what women see in men. Luckily, I’m already married, so I don’t have to worry about more than staying in shape, keeping clean, and brushing my teeth. So…

 I don’t know how to end this post other than I’m not gay, I swear.

Though there is nothing wrong with being gay.