Monday, January 24, 2011

Homemade Taco Bell!

My wife and I make quasi-Tex-Mex food every once and a while; though I’d greatly prefer to go to a hole-in-the-wall restaurant, my wife prefers for me to make it. These types of restaurants are on every street corner in Texas, and I’ve never eaten at a bad one. Some might have stronger margaritas, some might have fancier décor, and some might have better murals of mariachis. Really, the main difference between one Tex-Mex place and another is the quality of their chips and salsa. The food overall could be slightly better at one restaurant than another, but if they don’t have the right kind of salsa then sucks to them!

Back to my point, for some stupid reason, when I cook at home, my goal is to make my tacos and burritos taste as much like Taco Bell as possible. When I buy the ingredients at the store, I buy the Taco Bell taco sauce and Taco Bell seasoning packages. When I mix the ingredients, I’m extraordinarily careful as to how much I add to the mix. I taste the refried beans constantly to make sure they are the right consistency and flavor. “Hmmm… Taco Bell’s are creamier. It needs a dash more sauce.” It never occurred to me until today that this is probably the most pathetic/asinine/misguided/uncreative/lazy culinary effort in the world. I’m trying to make homemade food taste like freakin’ Taco Bell. Do I have a problem? I know my palette lacks refinery but is it really this bad? Why don’t I just eat things I find on the ground like my dogs? They’ll eat floor cheese to a dead cockroach. Am I the human equivalent to this?

 Maybe I need loftier home, Tex-Mex cooking goals, so I’m looking at you Taco Cabana. When are you going to put out some products I can buy at the grocery store? I’d like to imitate your slightly higher class Tex-Mex fast food taste. I think it will help my self-esteem.


  1. Mmmmmm....floor cheese. I lived in Mexico for a while so I cook my own and do not make it like Taco Bell. Just google recipes and mix it up a little. Be daring my friend...don't be a dog palette person. Great stuff as usual.
    Funny Stuff I Write

  2. Taco bell is disgusting, they don't even use real beef!

  3. Taco Bell Meat

    Maybe all you need to replicate Taco Bell's beef is a little more maltodrextrin.

  4. Haha, my husband is from Canada (and obvs, I am also from Texas) and I quickly weened him off of Taco Bell and right onto Taco Cabana. And when I try to explain to anyone what TC's is, I make sure to stress that that sh•t is authentic! Oh, the chips and salsa are muy important, and if that isn't a deciding factor, than their iced tea sure is.
    This is great, and you made me hungry for Mexican food in a land that doesn't even know TexMex exists. Thanks. a. lot.

  5. To Charlie Pulsipher-

    You're right. I can better than what I've been doing. No more feeding my wife crap!

    BTW, your last name is awesome to say. I just say it over and over again in my head after I read it. Is it pronounced Pull-si-Fer, right?

    To Zoe-

    But their unreal beef is tasty! Just think of it like tofu :)

    To Nate-

    Where could I access some of this maltodrextrin? My local chemical plant?

    To TexaGermaNadian-

    Taco Cabana is the greatest thing ever because it tastes like legit Tex-Mex. I bet you're really missing the hole-in-the-wall Tex-Mex places, but I'm sure the German beer halls are pretty sweet.

  6. I have to agree with you, the salsa makes or breaks a mexican restaurant. I have to say you are the first true Taco Bell lover I have ever met which is quite surprising since you live in Tex-Mex heaven. Branch out my friend... start by making your own Salsa.

  7. Doesn't it cost you like 10x as much to make food that tastes like taco bell than it would to buy some taco bell food?