Sunday, October 17, 2010

Things My Wife Won’t Let Me Do Part IV

See that picture? Know what it’s missing? A freaking toaster! For some reason, my wife thinks it’s tacky to leave the toaster out. The toaster is directly one foot below that area in the cabinet. When I was a kid, we left it out. In other people’s houses, they leave their toaster out. Why are we the only ones? It’s insane. If I want to eat a piece of toast, I have to slightly bend my knees, open the cabinet door, pull out the toaster (it’s heavy, too!), straighten my knees, put it on the counter and plug it in (not to mention going through the process of cooking that toast afterwards – I mean it’s, like, come on). My Eggo and toast eating have curtailed quite a bit since I moved in with this lady. What is she thinking?

I tried to protest by always leaving it out. The whole summer I left it out every day, and she put it back every day. She won this battle because she has much stronger resolve than I do. I tried whining about it. I whine about it constantly, but, again, she has stronger resolve. She just tells me “no” every time. I’m running out of ideas. I’ve tried two things and I have no other options. Am I supposed to eat something else for breakfast? I don’t think so. There are no other logical choices. Cereal is harder to make. Eggs are way harder to make. Microwaving stuff is harder. What the hell!

To top it all off, she gets to put her coffee maker on the counter! She gets to freely make coffee every morning without having to be subjected to the same ordeal as me. When I see that coffee maker mocking me every morning, I’m just filled with self-pity. I thought about putting the coffee maker away just like she does with the toaster, but she’d just win that battle, too. She’d be like, Stop! What can I do then? She told me to stop. Some things in life aren’t fair. L
P.S. The University of Texas beat Nebraska yesterday, so at least one thing is fair and right in this universe.
P.S.S. When my wife bought that shampoo for me, she bought the soap that goes along with it. I’ve been using them for a week, and I have freaking BO now. I was eating at Whataburger, and when I started sweating, I noticed a stench. I figured it couldn’t be me. I was at the gym yesterday and I smelled it again. I was 100% sure I put deodorant on earlier, too. I even rubbed my finger across my armpit to see if it was viscous from deodorant. It was.
 I bet she laughs about this with her girl buddies.
P.S.S.S. If you’re reading my blog, you should check out the blogs on my blog roll. The Yard Art Game=bad ass. Fetch My Flying Monkeys=bad ass. The Picky Apple=bad ass. Hyperbole and a Half=bad ass. Happy berfday to me=bad ass. Passive Aggressive Notes=bad ass.


  1. We also store the toaster in the cabinet. It's insanity. It's been 4 years now. I think I've had Eggos a half a dozen times in that period. Back in the glory days I would match that total in a week!

  2. Oh, the good old days. It's nice to know other men experience this gross injustice. Sigh

  3. If it makes you feel any better, Nate also has to unlock the child proof cabinet (and sometimes locate the lock that Finn likes to relocate), and dig the toaster out from under the lunchbags that sit on top of it. And our coffee maker is also on the counter (as is my super heavy Kitchen Aid Mixer).

    Thanks for the blog shout out! I'm planning to add a "people i know" section to my blog roll sometime soon!

  4. Crazy women in our family all hiding the appliances. :)

    No problem! Maybe one of my two readers will check your blog out.

  5. Johnny, your wife obviously loves you and has found a way for you to exercise every day before you eat breakfast. This is such a great idea, I believe I will begin the same program at my house. In fact maybe those lazy dogs need to go and get their own food and poor it in the bowl and put the bag away....

    Yeah! Your wife=bad ass.

    Thanks for the shout out!

  6. True. Maybe she should put the toaster on a high school track, so I can get even more exercise.

  7. Dude, your wife is fucking with you and that is awesome. Sorry, but it is. Did she get you those Axe shampoo and deodorant by chance? Those are made for teenagers and are made from recycled tires and dead kittens.

    Anyway, I shouldn't be telling you this but one morning, sneak into the kitchen first and grab a fork and lay on the floor with the fork in the toaster (don't plug it in) and let out a scream. She'll run in and try to "revive" you. Start mumbling "If only the toaster was on the counter...if only the toaster was on the counter.." as you 'come to.' If you do this correctly, your toaster will be on the counter that day, or thrown out- it can go either way really.