See that picture? Know what it’s missing? A freaking toaster! For some reason, my wife thinks it’s tacky to leave the toaster out. The toaster is directly one foot below that area in the cabinet. When I was a kid, we left it out. In other people’s houses, they leave their toaster out. Why are we the only ones? It’s insane. If I want to eat a piece of toast, I have to slightly bend my knees, open the cabinet door, pull out the toaster (it’s heavy, too!), straighten my knees, put it on the counter and plug it in (not to mention going through the process of cooking that toast afterwards – I mean it’s, like, come on). My Eggo and toast eating have curtailed quite a bit since I moved in with this lady. What is she thinking?
I tried to protest by always leaving it out. The whole summer I left it out every day, and she put it back every day. She won this battle because she has much stronger resolve than I do. I tried whining about it. I whine about it constantly, but, again, she has stronger resolve. She just tells me “no” every time. I’m running out of ideas. I’ve tried two things and I have no other options. Am I supposed to eat something else for breakfast? I don’t think so. There are no other logical choices. Cereal is harder to make. Eggs are way harder to make. Microwaving stuff is harder. What the hell!
To top it all off, she gets to put her coffee maker on the counter! She gets to freely make coffee every morning without having to be subjected to the same ordeal as me. When I see that coffee maker mocking me every morning, I’m just filled with self-pity. I thought about putting the coffee maker away just like she does with the toaster, but she’d just win that battle, too. She’d be like, Stop! What can I do then? She told me to stop. Some things in life aren’t fair. L
P.S. The University of Texas beat Nebraska yesterday, so at least one thing is fair and right in this universe.
P.S.S. When my wife bought that shampoo for me, she bought the soap that goes along with it. I’ve been using them for a week, and I have freaking BO now. I was eating at Whataburger, and when I started sweating, I noticed a stench. I figured it couldn’t be me. I was at the gym yesterday and I smelled it again. I was 100% sure I put deodorant on earlier, too. I even rubbed my finger across my armpit to see if it was viscous from deodorant. It was.
I bet she laughs about this with her girl buddies.P.S.S.S. If you’re reading my blog, you should check out the blogs on my blog roll. The Yard Art Game=bad ass. Fetch My Flying Monkeys=bad ass. The Picky Apple=bad ass. Hyperbole and a Half=bad ass. Happy berfday to me=bad ass. Passive Aggressive Notes=bad ass.