Thursday, December 23, 2010

Oh, Haircut Lady

I have hair again, so I, unfortunately, have to get my hair cut. I go to a Sports Clips by my work. I’m not sure if it’s a national chain or not, but essentially, it’s a place that specializes in mens haircuts and has televisions that show ESPN. I don’t go there because I’m a manly man who needs to get his hair cut in the most masculine atmosphere possible; I go there because it’s close to work and it’s modestly priced. I’ve been going there for 2 months now, and I’ve had the same lady every time. As you can imagine from reading my previous posts about my anti-social behavior, I hate the chit chat. The conversation problem is exacerbated because she doesn’t ever remember me, which I guess hurts my pride or self-esteem. What is it about me that’s not memorable, dammit? Back to the point, I have the same lady every time and she asks the same questions. I’m sure she has tons of customers, but it’s like she’s never seen me before – every time. I come from swim practice so I’m usually wearing the same thing: gym shorts and a t-shirt that says in big block letters SCHOOL NAME Aquatics. When I come in, I look exactly the same, yet she doesn’t do the detective work to figure out even the most obvious details. She asks me which school I work at without fail, after asking me what I do, of course. 

Well, I’m going to get her to remember who I am if it’s the last thing I do. Here is how our conversation will go next time.

Her: How’s your day going?

Me: Fine – just wanted to get cleaned up for my proctology exam later. You know, look good for the doctor.

Her: Are you just getting off work?

Me: No. I’m still supposed to be there.

Her: Where do you work?

Me: The DPS. I just put the “Next Window” sign up and slipped right out of there. I hate all of the cockroaches that come in there so much. I just want them to pay for my miserable life. Anyways, I figure if they fire me, things will be okay because I’d rather just collect unemployment. 

Her: Oh, the DPS…

Me [Interrupting and staring at her intensely through the reflection of the mirror]: Do you ever feel lost and in need of guidance? When you finish with me, I can go out to my van and get some information for you that could really make a difference in your life. We could even take a drive to the Scientology center and take the personality test. I feel like you’ll score as “attention desirable.” I think we can sort through your personality issues and maybe give you a real shot at life.

Her: Uh…

Me [gripping the arms of the barber chair tightly]: We will assimilate you.


Me: Now… wash my hair.

I think she’ll remember for the next time, and more importantly, she probably won’t talk to me either.


  1. Hahaha... I had the entire scenario playing out in my head. I have the same exact problem with my barbershop. Next time I'll stare him straight in the eyes and scream RESISTANCE IS FUTILE

  2. You could try it, but if you tipped her nicely... she would remember you will well. Also from watching reality TV, they will snuggle extra close and give you boob-on-the-back for the better tippers.

    And then your wife would make you change stylist. It's a vicious cycles, really.

  3. ...or she will suddenly take her break when you walk in the door. At least that means she remembers you.