I have hair again, so I, unfortunately, have to get my hair cut. I go to a Sports Clips by my work. I’m not sure if it’s a national chain or not, but essentially, it’s a place that specializes in mens haircuts and has televisions that show ESPN. I don’t go there because I’m a manly man who needs to get his hair cut in the most masculine atmosphere possible; I go there because it’s close to work and it’s modestly priced. I’ve been going there for 2 months now, and I’ve had the same lady every time. As you can imagine from reading my previous posts about my anti-social behavior, I hate the chit chat. The conversation problem is exacerbated because she doesn’t ever remember me, which I guess hurts my pride or self-esteem. What is it about me that’s not memorable, dammit? Back to the point, I have the same lady every time and she asks the same questions. I’m sure she has tons of customers, but it’s like she’s never seen me before – every time. I come from swim practice so I’m usually wearing the same thing: gym shorts and a t-shirt that says in big block letters SCHOOL NAME Aquatics. When I come in, I look exactly the same, yet she doesn’t do the detective work to figure out even the most obvious details. She asks me which school I work at without fail, after asking me what I do, of course.
Well, I’m going to get her to remember who I am if it’s the last thing I do. Here is how our conversation will go next time.
Her: How’s your day going?
Me: Fine – just wanted to get cleaned up for my proctology exam later. You know, look good for the doctor.
Her: Are you just getting off work?
Me: No. I’m still supposed to be there.
Her: Where do you work?
Me: The DPS. I just put the “Next Window” sign up and slipped right out of there. I hate all of the cockroaches that come in there so much. I just want them to pay for my miserable life. Anyways, I figure if they fire me, things will be okay because I’d rather just collect unemployment.
Her: Oh, the DPS…
Me [Interrupting and staring at her intensely through the reflection of the mirror]: Do you ever feel lost and in need of guidance? When you finish with me, I can go out to my van and get some information for you that could really make a difference in your life. We could even take a drive to the Scientology center and take the personality test. I feel like you’ll score as “attention desirable.” I think we can sort through your personality issues and maybe give you a real shot at life.
Me [gripping the arms of the barber chair tightly]: We will assimilate you.
Me: Now… wash my hair.
I think she’ll remember for the next time, and more importantly, she probably won’t talk to me either.