Trees, I Love You But You're Bringing Me Down

In elementary school, I was introduced to environmentalism. I have vivid memories of Earth Day in the 80’s where we planted a tree on the fringe of our playground. It was a nice feeling that we were doing something to help Mother Earth. Now let me begin this post by saying that I’m not political when it comes to this subject. I get the complexities of the liberals and conservatives who are in favor or against environmentalism for their various reasons. Both have valid viewpoints as far as I am concerned. What I am not in favor of is the intimidating propaganda directed at impressionable 8 year olds.

Back then, I remember sitting in my classroom listening to doomsday talk from my teacher. I remember there being a distinct connection between trees and oxygen. Trees take in carbon dioxide and let out oxygen. I am no scientist, but this is right, correct? Well, when all the rain forests were harvested, we’d all be out of breath – literally! In fact, when my family took road trips for vacation, I remember looking at the trees thinking: You poor bastards. You’re all going to be cut down soon and you don’t even know it. I had visions of lumberjacks with red eyes, salivating at the mouth ready to cut down these trees – all trees – even the trees in my front yard! One day I would wake up and the trees in my yard would be gone. I would only have the street lights to climb. The trees were going to all be cut down soon, and it was up to the 4^th graders at Youens Elementary to make a difference.

Soon thereafter, I made the connection that all plants give off oxygen and soon other plants would be next on the chopping block. Big companies would come to take the grass from our lawn. I didn’t know what the grass would be used for, but I thought it had something to with skirts and Hawaii. Soon, we would live in a world with only gravel and dust.

Well, now as an adult I welcome this idea because I have two giant pin oaks in my front yard, and it sucks more than anything in the world raking those damn leaves up! It’s back breaking work that is completely not worth doing. It is impossible to get these stupid leaves up, and even if I do, more leaves just fall. So, I call upon you bloodthirsty bastards to come and harvest the trees from my yard, so I don’t have to freaking rake the leaves up anymore. Take my grass and make tea from my flowers. I’ve been saving oxygen in balloons in my house anyways, so we’ll be okay.