Tuesday, December 28, 2010

Trees, I Love You But You're Bringing Me Down


In elementary school, I was introduced to environmentalism. I have vivid memories of Earth Day in the 80’s where we planted a tree on the fringe of our playground. It was a nice feeling that we were doing something to help Mother Earth. Now let me begin this post by saying that I’m not political when it comes to this subject. I get the complexities of the liberals and conservatives who are in favor or against environmentalism for their various reasons. Both have valid viewpoints as far as I am concerned. What I am not in favor of is the intimidating propaganda directed at impressionable 8 year olds.

Back then, I remember sitting in my classroom listening to doomsday talk from my teacher. I remember there being a distinct connection between trees and oxygen. Trees take in carbon dioxide and let out oxygen. I am no scientist, but this is right, correct? Well, when all the rain forests were harvested, we’d all be out of breath – literally! In fact, when my family took road trips for vacation, I remember looking at the trees thinking: You poor bastards. You’re all going to be cut down soon and you don’t even know it. I had visions of lumberjacks with red eyes, salivating at the mouth ready to cut down these trees – all trees – even the trees in my front yard! One day I would wake up and the trees in my yard would be gone. I would only have the street lights to climb. The trees were going to all be cut down soon, and it was up to the 4th graders at Youens Elementary to make a difference.

Soon thereafter, I made the connection that all plants give off oxygen and soon other plants would be next on the chopping block. Big companies would come to take the grass from our lawn. I didn’t know what the grass would be used for, but I thought it had something to with skirts and Hawaii. Soon, we would live in a world with only gravel and dust.

Well, now as an adult I welcome this idea because I have two giant pin oaks in my front yard, and it sucks more than anything in the world raking those damn leaves up! It’s back breaking work that is completely not worth doing. It is impossible to get these stupid leaves up, and even if I do, more leaves just fall. So, I call upon you bloodthirsty bastards to come and harvest the trees from my yard, so I don’t have to freaking rake the leaves up anymore. Take my grass and make tea from my flowers. I’ve been saving oxygen in balloons in my house anyways, so we’ll be okay.



14 comments:

  1. I have exactly the same memory of earth day. Driving and looking at trees, visually imagining the rainforest on a map getting smaller and smaller, picturing people dying like in Space Balls but slower, etc. Really worried about it. The things we put kids through.

    ReplyDelete
  2. I've been learning to breathe helium instead of oxygen, so when the time comes that oxygen is extinct, I'll hopefully be prepared to survive. Plus, I can do a killer Alvin from 'Alvin and the Chipmunks.'

    ReplyDelete
  3. When I finished my drawing, I thought, hmmmm... oxygen doesn't float.

    Those balloons aren't actually for sale; they are just for marketing - just a coincidence.

    ReplyDelete
  4. To SwimTexas-

    If I would have read Lord of the Rings and known about Ents, the problem would have multiplied!

    ReplyDelete
  5. It's amazing what well-meaning adults say to children. In the 50s they were telling kids to be ready for a nuclear attack. Somehow they figured it was worth scaring the bejesus out of them if they could teach them the helpful safety tip of "duck and cover (your head)". To this day if I should see a mushroom cloud I know I'll be okay if I cover my head with my hands.

    ReplyDelete
  6. They did that in the 80's too! I remember having those drills when I was a kid. Of course, I was too busy picking staples out of the carpet to worry about being eviscerated.

    ReplyDelete
  7. hahah, you have a way with words my friend...

    everyone is so ecofriendly these days that it can get quite annoying... cut those suckers down and rejoice

    ReplyDelete
  8. I remember a couple "duck and cover" drills too. I thought it was a joke. Only recently did I learn that, if you are far enough away, duck and cover isn't a bad idea. You should also keep your mouth open until the shock wave passes. I live in St George, Utah...so my world is already gravel and dust. I save my oxygen in two liter bottles with a little carbon and a lot of Dr Pepper.

    ReplyDelete
  9. I like you new header. Such artistic talents must be shared with the world.

    I have a friend who is a biologist, I get so I ignore the doomsday chatter.

    ReplyDelete
  10. To Noog:

    I would cut them down but there is this looming fear that my wife would kill me if I did! The boss is tough to argue with!

    ReplyDelete
  11. To Charlie-

    Why didn't I think of 2 liters? I could have enjoyed some Coke first instead of stupid rubber balloon taste.

    ReplyDelete
  12. To Life's Highway-

    I have a friend who is a cook so I ignore weight loss chatter.

    ReplyDelete
  13. Seriously, To Life's Highway-

    Thanks for the art complement. Sadly, I spend quite a bit of time on those.

    ReplyDelete
  14. I don't think the trees are the problem. It's the idea that leaves need to be raked that's your problem. Just let it go man.

    ReplyDelete