Friday, December 3, 2010

Senator Stinky for 2011

I got home from a swim meet last night around 9:00, which is late for me because I usually go to sleep around 10:00. After 30 minutes or so of watching TV and hanging out with my wife, I started getting ready for bed. I found my jeans (Friday is jeans day!) in the dirty hamper and guess what? They were dirty. The question presented itself: were they stinky enough where I couldn’t stand to wear them? I wore some super smelly jeans with melted-turned-dried whip cream all over them the other day and withstood it – barely. In the end, stinky-ness beat laziness 51% to 49%. It was a close race and laziness put up a good fight, but good old Stinky just has more of an in-your-face campaign. 

I put them in the washer and went on to the worst five minutes of my day, every day – getting ready for bed. I hate it, so I brush my teeth as fast as I can, nearly poke my eyes getting my contacts out because I’m doing it so fast, and go into a full body flex, nearly straining every muscle in my body, to urinate with max power and pressure. 

After I finished those chores, I checked on my jeans – still washing. Oh yeah, it only takes 5 minutes for me to get ready for bed. Not wanting to get too comfortable, I sat up in bed and watched TV with my wife for a minute. That’s not an expression, a minute; I got up after one minute to check on the progress. That didn’t help but moving the washer knob over a little bit did! Do I really need 5 minutes of rinse? This exact process continued every minute until the knob was pointed to the end of the cycle. Success! I washed my pants in 12 minutes. I pulled them out and gave them a once over to see if there were any remaining suds. Diagnosis: negative. Into the dryer, they went. I could just grab them in the morning and be on my way.

I went to bed and got into a nice, deep sleep. <Chink> Heart rate increasing. Is someone trying to break in? <Chink> Sweat forming. Is it a serial killer trying to get in? <Chink> Anus apucker. I need to wake up Wife. She’ll protect me. <Chink> Adrenaline induced lucidity. Oh, I bet that’s the sound of the metal button on my jeans hitting the inside of the dryer as they tumble around. I got up to check and I was right. I got back in bed and closed my eyes, and all I could hear was the same noise. It would stop for 4 seconds or so then start up again, which I couldn’t take. I pulled the jeans out and hung them up. They’ll be dry in the morning I thought.

Well, I wore pants with a sopping wet, pelvis area all day. Wet enough where my underwear was wet too. I was nervous all day that someone would sit in a chair after me and feel the moisture of the watery butt print I left behind. 

I’m not sure what’s worse, but if having a cold, prune-y midsection isn’t worse than being stinky, it’s a close second. 


  1. I've done the semi-wet jeans thing before. Not too comfortable.

    Btw, I was trying to search for your blog on my phone so I could bookmark it so I wouldn't have to get on Facebook and follow links to the blog (who needs a middleman, right?) I searched the term "profweiner" and saw some text about weight loss surgery and thought "this must be it!". Turns out it was really a guy talking about weight loss surgery changing his life. You should check it out.

  2. Maybe Prof. Wiener will come after me. "There is only room for ONE academic ding dong!"

  3. I hate to be all domestic on you especially after you suffered a day of wet crotch but next time, throw in a few old towels with your pants. Everyone has old towels.

    It will muffle the clink.

    Good to hear your prostate is in fine shape, though.

  4. "Anus apucker" is a term that should be kept alive indefinitely.

    Situations like this make me glad that I'm a really heavy sleeper :)
    But yes, wet jeans suck. Sorry about your pruny gems!