Monday, December 20, 2010

Wedding: The Process of Removing Weeds

My wife and I went to a wedding on Saturday. It was a lovely affair. It was an outside wedding and the weather was absolutely perfect. I noticed this about weddings; the trend used to be to throw rice as a farewell to the bride and groom. Well, apparently, rice kills pigeons, so it’s politically correct to blow bubbles or use sparklers or whatever for the walking-out-to-the-car-for-honeymoon-part. This is strange anyway because don’t people hate pigeons? I thought people wanted pigeons dead. I guess the proprietors at these wedding venues don’t want to pick up pigeon carcasses after every wedding. They should just leave them on the ground and let nature take its course. When the next wedding party walks out, the property owners can just tell them, “It was God’s plan for those pigeons. They needed to die for that previous wedding to be a success – a modern day holy sacrifice if you will. Soon more pigeons will sacrifice themselves for you.”

I’ve been to at least 10 weddings in the last year and a half, and if memory serves me, a majority went with the sparkler thing. This wedding in Austin attempted to do the same thing. They were going to get sparklers and have everyone line up on the walk way out. Well, when they went to open up the box of sparklers, there were just strings of Black Cats! This wedding was planned down to the smallest detail and this element had gone under the radar. The people in charge were not going to let anyone down, so we just used the Black Cats. We were instructed to throw them at the bride and groom’s feet. Everyone got lighters and started untwisting the fireworks in preparation for this joyous moment.

When they finally came out and started walking down the path, it was a flurry of popping and flinching. The fireworks were going off everywhere: at the couple’s feet, in throwers’ hands, and random spots in the air. When they finally made it to the end, it was as if they made it through a war-zone. Moans of agony were heard in the background as soot covered faces looked on in relief that it was over.

Well, this didn’t actually happen. This is what went on through my head as I softly and gently waved my sparkler in a figure eight as they calmly and peaceful walked out of the venue. 

Here is a picture that summarizes what I just wrote - in case you don't like to read. 


  1. Rice doesn't actually kill birds, but it does attract them and other wildlife. Also, "the original bans were established because dry rice on concrete or other hard surfaces can cause people to slip and fall, causing injury."

    But that doesn't matter because I want black cats at my wedding now! What better way to start a honeymoon than moans of agony and sooty faces? Perfection.


  2. It looks like the big wig rice lobbyists have gotten to you. The rice lobbyists are what's wrong with America today.

  3. My wife and I didn't do anything traditional. Now I am feeling deprived because we didn't have black cats...maybe a couple m80's thrown in the mix...and fire breathing pumkins. That's it. Need to do one of those vow ceremonies and get it right this time. Ü

  4. I like that idea. Maybe anniversary number one for me can be all crazy boy stuff that I plan. BB gun fights... Building things out of legos and then blowing them up... Jumping things on our bikes! What do you think, Wife? I get the guns, and you get the BB's!

  5. Sounds like fun to me, but, seriously, don't forget the flame breathing jack o lanterns. Nothing says "I love you" like gourds and flame. Your pictures are also amazing. I get away with doing more by being much less detailed and we'll see if I can keep that trend going.